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In Disney’s “Up,” the quiet love story of Carl and Ellie captures the essence of fidelity and integrity within marriage. Their journey—from childhood friendship to lifelong partnership—is a testament to enduring love, mutual commitment, and shared values.

Integrity and fidelity are central to flourishing marriages. In fact, the virtues of integrity and fidelity were recently described by one research team as the “twin virtues” of marital commitment that represent not only sexual exclusivity but also emotional devotion, honesty, and accountability. The American Families of Faith project—a qualitative study exploring exemplary Christian, Jewish, and Muslim married couples across diverse races—sheds light on how these values are cultivated, sustained, and lived out in everyday life. 

Drawing on findings from this study, the present article explores how these racially and religiously diverse couples define and practice integrity and fidelity, offering four insights into how these principles strengthen their marriages.   

Integrity and Fidelity Matter in Marriage

For many American Families of Faith participants, fidelity involved more than refraining from extramarital relationships—it included emotional and spiritual unity. In “Up,” Carl and Ellie’s life together showed that fidelity encompasses more than sexual exclusivity—it also includes emotional devotion, honesty, and alignment in life’s core vision and goals. Their shared dream of visiting Paradise Falls, while never realized in the way they envisioned, symbolized their mutual commitment to one another.

 Similarly, Ron (pseudonyms are used to protect participant’s identity), a white Jewish husband from the American Families of Faith study, reflected on how honesty shaped his marriage:

I don’t hide anything from her, and that means that I can’t do anything that I need to hide from her, ’cause I won’t hide anything from her. … That influences every moment of my marriage. How many times a day [do I think], “Is this something I would not want to tell her?” … It’s really part of my consciousness all the time.

Sebastian, a Hispanic Christian husband, similarly emphasized the ripple effect of fidelity:

[One] thing that is very important in marriage is fidelity. When you’re not faithful, it doesn’t matter what [else] you can do or how sweet you can be or how loving you can be. … [If you are] cheating on your wife or vice versa, no matter what you do, it’s hard to put the pieces back together. For me, I have to know how to be faithful [while I’m] … at home and [when I am] not … at home. So, fidelity, integrity has a lot to do in the relationship of the couple. Also, in the relationship of the children, if they see [your faithfulness to each other], they will want to emulate the example, they will want to live it—because they will see that regardless of the challenges and problems, there was fidelity.

Integrity as a Core Marital Value

In their in-depth interviews, American Families of Faith participants repeatedly described integrity as essential to the health of their marriages. Beatriz, a Hispanic Christian wife, succinctly stated, “Loyalty, fidelity, integrity are key.”

Couples discussed a wide array of challenges related to stress in their work or personal lives, in-laws, conflict, parenting, illness, and even family deaths. However, their ability to navigate these hardships together demonstrated the resilience that fidelity helps foster. Idris, an African American Christian husband, said:

Character and integrity in a marriage is everything. [They are] … the most important source of strength [to our marriage]. ’Cause if you really don’t have that, you don’t really have a relationship. … You [could] just be an aimless wanderer [and] be blown in the wind anywhere when something comes along. When you have character and integrity in a relationship, then you’re trustworthy. Then your mate, your spouse, has no worries, no hang-ups about where you’re at, what you’re doing. …[T]rust is crucial in a relationship.

The Role of Religion in Teaching Fidelity and Integrity

For most of the wives and husbands interviewed, religious faith reportedly played a critical role in shaping their understanding of fidelity and integrity. Many couples, for example, emphasized that their religious beliefs and practices motivated them to remain faithful and honest with each other. Tanner, a white Orthodox Christian husband, explained how his faith helped him resist temptation. Discussing his job, he said, “I spend two weeks a month on the road. There are temptations out there that I’ve never succumbed to, and one of the reasons is my faith gives me the strength not to do that.”

Enoch, a white Presbyterian husband, elaborated on the promises he made with his wife:

We made vows to be a couple, to be true to each other, so I have a commitment to monogamy and fidelity. I think it would be easy to rationalize out of that if a person didn’t have some beliefs to base that on.

For other participants, fidelity was tied directly to accountability to God. Fu, a Chinese Christian husband, shared, “To keep your marriage holy is your responsibility to God; otherwise you are ashamed to face God. Betray[ing] your spouse is betraying God.”​

One white Latter-day Saint couple described the role of a covenant with God and each other as follows:

Evan: When we were married, we covenanted with each other that we would be faithful to each other and that we would also look to God … and remember Him, and so a covenant is a very vital part of our relationship.

Tara: It’s … a three-way partnership, with God being … a party to making this marriage work.

Coming together by remembering the promises that they made to each other before God reportedly put fidelity and integrity at the forefront of these couples’ relationships. 

Challenges to Integrity and Fidelity

While the majority of participants described fidelity as a source of strength, some acknowledged challenges. Orlando, an African American Christian husband, noted the pressures of living up to marital vows in a world filled with distractions and said:

This world … has a way of testing if you mean what you said [when you got married] or were you just sitting up there ’cause everything was rosy that day … Are you going to hold your sacred vows [when it gets hard]?

The question posed by Orlando does stimulate reflection within marriage—including (and especially) when the challenges come. If marital fidelity is defined by one question, perhaps Orlando nails it with Are you going to hold to your sacred vows when it gets hard?

Imperfect But Striving

The animated story of Carl and Ellie in “Up” illustrates how integrity and fidelity create a foundation for enduring love. However, the American Families of Faith project documents the experience of hundreds of couples who view these virtues as essential for marital stability and satisfaction in their own marriages. These couples have been married for an average of more than 20 years.

In a touching moment from the film, Carl says, “You’re my best friend, Ellie.” Similarly, a father in our project said of his wife’s integrity and fidelity, “She was married to marriage long before she was married to me.” The same father also wrote of his wife of more than four decades, “I can imagine no heaven without her … and with her, even hell would be tolerable.” 

The insights from the imperfect but exemplary marriages studied in the American Families of Faith project reveal that fidelity and integrity are not just ideals but lived virtues that sustain many strong marriages through a sacred sense of shared purpose. For many couples, these virtues are deeply intertwined with their religious beliefs and practices, which provide both motivation and practical tools for navigating challenges.

 The imperfect but striving women and men in the American Families of Faith project underscore that fidelity and integrity are more than individual actions; they are the cornerstone of enduring, meaningful partnerships. By striving to live out these ideals, couples create relationships that not only withstand life’s trials but thrive in their shared commitment to each other.

The post The Virtues That Sustain Marriage appeared first on Public Square Magazine.

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In the 2015 movie “Cinderella,” Ella’s mother tells her to “have courage and be kind.” Ella, later known as Cinderella, endures cruelty yet responds with kindness and forgiveness, inviting us to reflect on our own capacity to find the courage to forgive. Her struggle to forgive her stepmother and stepsisters might be more dramatic than most family conflicts, but it still speaks to even the most ordinary family relationships. 

Adapting the counsel in “Cinderella,” we focus on a related invitation that helps families thrive:  “have courage and forgive.” In religious families, forgiveness is both a demand and a blessing. Drawing on interviews with members of about 200 families from diverse racial and religious backgrounds, we uncover why forgiveness remains central to reconciliation and relational healing, despite how challenging it can be.

The findings come from a study of relational reconciliation in Christian, Jewish, and Muslim families in the American Families of Faith project. We consider both why families choose to reconcile and the processes through which they do so.

Why Families Reconciled

Participants described three key reasons for reconciliation: (1) their religious beliefs, (2) their ability to see a “bigger picture,” and (3) their own experiences of God’s love and forgiveness. 

Religious Beliefs

Many participants said their faith created an expectation that they would forgive and reconcile, shaping their responses to conflicts. Briana, an African-American Christian wife, reflected on how scripture motivated her during disagreements with her husband:

Scripture tells us, you may get angry, but sin not. Because we are different, we’re not going to always agree, but being in the church, that’s a benefit for us. We’re able to hear something in Bible study or Sunday service … . God is always going to bring a word back to our memory that makes us realize and ask Him for forgiveness. Then we come back and ask each other for forgiveness.

Cynthia, a teenage daughter of Latino and Caucasian Latter-day Saint parents, shared:

Through the hard times … we’re all kind of going our separate ways, but then I know that each of us think about [our] religion and we’re all like, ‘Yeah, we’re supposed to make up—that’s what we’re supposed to do.’ That’s what we do, and we feel better about it.

Seeing the Bigger Picture

Participants frequently described how their faith helped them see beyond immediate conflicts to a “bigger picture” or a “long-term perspective.” Saul, a Caucasian Jewish husband, highlighted how religious observances like Yom Kippur encouraged him and his wife to reflect on their relationship:

Both of us always have something [in our Yom Kippur goals] about being a better spouse—stop yelling at each other or whatever we do. There is some sense that a religious observance helps us to keep our focus on the big picture and reminds us of things we want to change. If we didn’t do that ritual, I don’t think we would have the opportunity to say, ‘These are things I want to do better.’

An adolescent daughter named Alecia, a Caucasian member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, explained her perspective:

If we fight here, it’s like we fight and get over it in like an hour. Most people in our family don’t stay mad at each other for weeks and weeks. Knowing that our scriptures say we are going to be together forever … that we are bound forever, that we have that bond, fighting here seems trivial when you think about it.

God’s Love and Forgiveness

Participants also described experiencing God’s forgiveness as another powerful reason to reconcile within their families. Many said that recognizing God’s grace in their lives inspired them to extend forgiveness to others. Chen, an Asian-American Christian husband, reflected: “I am a forgiven sinner by God—and if God can forgive me, I can forgive her.”

Similarly, Shawn, a Black Baptist husband, connected God’s forgiveness with his approach to marital conflict:

We intend that God … be the center of our marriage, so that our commitment to each other is an outgrowth of our commitment to Him. Also, in the practicalities of living together, needing to exercise forgiveness and grace toward each other, because we receive grace and forgiveness from God—we can extend that to each other.

Having discussed three reasons why families forgave, we now turn to four processes that reflect how they forgave.

How Families Reconciled

Reconciliation involved four interconnected processes: spiritual, personal, relational, and practical. These processes often overlapped, reflecting a dynamic approach to resolving conflicts.

Spiritual Processes

Prayer emerged as a foundational spiritual practice that guided families toward reconciliation. Participants often turned to prayer to seek clarity and guidance and to regain calm. Angela, an Italian-American Catholic wife, described resolving conflicts with her husband as follows:

In times when we have conflict about anything … we both are always open to either one of us saying, ‘Let’s just pray about this.’ … That ability to come together in prayer and ask for each other’s forgiveness or God’s forgiveness and discernment and direction is something that, again, I don’t know how people can get through without having that.

Prayer also helped individuals acknowledge their own mistakes. Yul, an Asian-American Christian husband, said, “Prayer is very helpful. When we have conflicts and arguments, prayer can calm us down … . God leads us through prayer to recognize our sin and to improve our marriage.”

Personal Processes

Participants described self-examination and admitting mistakes as additional personal steps toward reconciliation. These actions often required humility and introspection. Bekah, a Caucasian Jewish wife, emphasized the importance of personal responsibility:

I think one of the strong points of Judaism is the sense of personal responsibility and certainly in any conflict we’ve had, it’s been really important to own up to whatever part we have in the conflict. And that’s something that comes straight from Judaism.

Apologizing was another key practice. Brent, a Caucasian Jehovah’s Witness husband, described how saying “I’m sorry” often helped resolve conflict in his marriage:

I’ll have regrets afterward and say, ‘Why am I making such a big deal of such a little thing?’ And she’s having the same feelings of regret. And then we’re like, ‘I’m sorry, I’m sorry.’ And then it’s over.

Relational Processes

Participants frequently described forgiving and being forgiven as relational acts that fostered understanding and acceptance. A Caucasian Latter-Day Saint husband named Stewart shared:

I think one of the basic teachings of the Savior is forgiveness. So … if you want to be forgiven, the Bible teaches that you need to forgive other people. And obviously, we’re imperfect and we want to be forgiven, so I think both of us bring that idea or that principle into our marriage relationship. We see that we have to be willing to forgive the other person. I think that influences our ability to … forgive a little bit sooner than we normally would have, because we know and we believe that forgiving is a good thing.

Parents also modeled forgiveness for their children. Shawn, a Black Baptist father, said:

Our kids … see Emily and I not always get it right and we have to hash things out, but then extend forgiveness to each other. I’ve had to ask my kids for forgiveness. So I hope they see that we’re real people, we haven’t got it all together, but we can accept and love each other because we extend forgiveness of God and the grace of God to each other. And we each know that we need it desperately. 

Practical Processes

Families often took practical steps to repair relationships and prevent conflicts from escalating. These steps included communicating thoughtfully, using strategies to de-escalate conflict, and making amends. Aashif, an Arab-American Muslim husband, described how he and his wife approached disagreements:

At the beginning of our marriage, we had so much more conflict. The religion part is that we say, “It is okay, let’s stop here and discuss it later. Let’s go to pray or leave things for later.” We control ourselves by the faith … so we do not exaggerate the problem and make it like a snowball and make it bigger and bigger and reach the point of disagreement that makes us two parts. We definitely say, “We need to stop, we need to think about it.” We have this limit that we do not cross.

For others, practical action meant repairing ruptures quickly. Jeffrey, a Caucasian Christian husband, explained:

While I am quick to explode, I’m also quick to try and heal that explosion. … I think that a lot of that has been key in our relationship because a lot of times things boil over. Being quick to try and come back and fix the rift is important.

Together, these overlapping processes illustrate the dynamic and multifaceted nature of reconciliation in families. Each step, whether spiritual or practical, contributes to repairing and strengthening relationships.

Our adaptation of the counsel in “Cinderella” to “have courage and forgive” echoes the experiences described by participants in the American Families of Faith project. Motivated by faith, a focus on the bigger picture, and the experience of divine grace, these families seek to make forgiveness a core part of their family dynamics. Through prayer, personal accountability, relational repair, and practical action, participants described forgiveness as fostering healing and deeper connections. Just as Cinderella chose kindness over resentment, these families show that the courage to forgive ultimately strengthens relationships and brings peace. 

The post The Courage to Forgive appeared first on Public Square Magazine.

Drawing on a study from the American Families of Faith Project, we explore how women from Abrahamic faiths navigate marital challenges. The study consisted of 113 wives from highly religious Jewish, Christian, and Muslim communities across the United States. Based on this study, we identified two ways faith in God shapes their responses to conflict. 

Theme 1: God Is Central to The Marriage

Our participants shared that a central focus on God in their lives contributed to positive outcomes in their marriages. Like Ruth, who chose loyalty and faith in God over familiarity and personal security, Halimah, a Muslim wife, emphasized that religion guided her toward wise and compassionate decisions in marriage. She explained, “Religion encourages both partners to take decisions wisely and not degrade the other person. That’s how I think religion helps us not to have conflict.” Other women of faith in the study said that God helped them to work through difficulties. Yi, a Christian who had been married for more than two decades, said:

Now, our conflicts are fewer and fewer. There were more conflicts before … much more, before we came to believe God. We always thought of ourselves and tried to argue, even if we were wrong. After we came to know God, our life has been different. We have fewer and fewer conflicts now because … we think in a similar way. Sometimes we have different opinions … okay, no problem, but we let it go, and we don’t want to argue.

Wachiwi, a Protestant woman, explained that God held her marriage together: “I don’t think you can hold a marriage together alone because there are times we hit a hard spot … and God was our salvation. He was always the way to work through things. Without Him we would fall apart.”

Similar to Ruth, who chose God even when it meant stepping into the unknown, these women showed that placing God at the center of their lives made a difference in their marriages. Their stories, whether of hard conversations, quiet sacrifices, or decisions to stay when it was difficult, point to the same source of strength. In moments of tension or uncertainty, they turned to God.

 Theme 2: Belief in God Leads to Internal Changes That Benefit The Marriage

Many of the women we interviewed described faith-inspired changes—sometimes significant transformations—in themselves, their partners, and their marriages across time. Joelle, a Christian said:

I think you have to trust God. You have to be able to hear His voice and practice that above anything else. Practice that [even] more than praying, practice that more than going to church, practice that more than singing [and] praising. Learn to hear His voice so He can always talk to you and tell you what He really wants you to do.

Learning to understand God and hear His voice was a focus for many of these women. Belief in God also seemed to deepen the women’s commitment to their marriages. A member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints named Sarah said:

Well, the fact that we were committed from the outset to make it work was, I think, an important factor. Obviously, all couples have conflict in their marriage, and that’s part of the package. You cannot expect to have a marriage free of conflict, or any relationship free of conflict. But the commitment we had for each other, and believing that we had an eternal marriage if we abided by the contracts we’ve made, I think helped a great deal in overcoming any conflict that we had. Being able to discuss any conflict that we had certainly was helpful to us as a couple.

These women also emphasized the importance of covenants and vows made in marriage. An Orthodox Christian named Alisia said,

For me, my religious beliefs … it reminds me of my commitment with my husband that I married in the Church. And of the blessings God blessed us with. It helps me to think about the meaning of our relationship and our commitment to one another. What did we say on that day that we were going to do, regardless of the health and illness and the good and bad? We do all of this just to obtain, to try to solve conflict, with the idea of maintaining and preserving this family together.

These women viewed marriage through a lens of faith and saw it as a divine gift. Li-Fen, a Christian wife, shared her perspective that:

God created marriage, let no man separate. We would not think about divorce, no matter how big the difficulties are. We must work out and resolve the difficulties in the Lord. We would not address divorce easily. This idea [of divorce] cannot emerge into my mind.

Other participants echoed the belief that divorce is typically not an option to overcome marital hardships. Their faith also inspired these women to willingly work on their shortcomings and to cultivate virtues. Charlotte, a Christian wife, recognized that marital growth takes significant time and effort. She reflected:

One of the deepest things that has come to me as I’ve struggled with developing a relationship into a better relationship is … not to be discouraged with what your spouse isn’t, but to realize that they have eternity to develop into who you know that they could be and who you want. Nobody is going to have every quality. You don’t have every quality, so be patient with your spouse and be patient with yourself.

This mindset also led women to realize their need for self-improvement. They viewed personal flaws as opportunities to develop humility and to become more faithful. Jennifer, a Jehovah’s Witness, said,

If I had a problem with temper, and I got married, and I found myself getting irritated with my husband, part of handling that would be, God doesn’t want me to have temper tantrums. You know? In fact, I should have been working on that. I would have been having to work on that as a single Witness, right?

These internal changes led to outward actions, such as deliberately forgiving their husbands, repenting to God, and saying, “I’m sorry.” A member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, Consuella, said:

I just feel like the Lord comes to me and tells me, “You gotta at least say, ‘I’m sorry.’ You cannot be good with me,” the Savior will say, “if you are not good with your husband.” It is better to solve those confrontations … God has taught me that it’s okay to say, “I’m sorry,” and it’s okay to change.

        A Catholic woman named Amy also shared her view that her relationship with her husband was dependent on her relationship with God. She said:

If my relationship with God isn’t right or if I don’t keep trying to make that better, then I’m not as good with my husband. There’s times … when I’m not being [my best], I’m not focused, I’m not centered. My relationship with God is very important to be able to be a good spouse.

Like Amy, Consuella, Charlotte, and Jennifer, many other women we interviewed in exemplary long-term marriages similarly attributed their marital success not to an easy path but to divine guidance as they faced ongoing challenges.

Ruth chose to follow God amid difficult circumstances and eventually built a new life in Bethlehem. Likewise, the highly religious women interviewed for the American Families of Faith Project looked to God for direction, comfort, support, and strength as they navigated hardships in their marriages. In both ancient Bethlehem and in modern homes across diverse faith traditions, a recurring pattern emerges: when women center their lives on God, they find strength to serve, courage to grow, and grace to endure the inevitable struggles of married life.

The post What Faith Changes in Marriage appeared first on Public Square Magazine.

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For many religious individuals, faith plays a central role in their lives. In many faith traditions, members are required or encouraged to freely contribute their time, effort, and money, a concept known as religious giving.

But how do individuals actually feel about religious giving? How does religious giving affect their marriages and families? An in-depth qualitative study from the American Families of Faith Project addressed that question by interviewing 184 highly religious families about their beliefs. We will review four insights that emerged. 

Reframing Sacrifice as Giving

Financial contributions to religion are not a sacrifice, but a gift. This is what many participants in the study said about their giving.

Participants tended to reframe sacrifice as giving or charity. They saw their giving as deeply and inherently relational, strengthening their connection with God and with their sisters and brothers in the human family. 

Building Faith Community Bonds

Giving also increased many participants’ sense of meaning. They felt better about life for having given. 

But the benefits didn’t stop there. The act of giving also tended to form a stronger bond between givers and their faith communities, leading them to feel more fully supported by their faith communities. A Christian woman named Joyce, said, “When I was going through a really—I mean a really, really—bad financial time, I never ever had to want for anything, because someone from my church family was always there helping out, giving me something.” A father from The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints added another story of profound help. He explained,

There was a time in the 1970s when we had three kids in cloth diapers that had to be washed daily and our washing machine gave out … and I didn’t even have money to have the thing fixed, and I certainly didn’t have money for a new one… My wife came home from running the errands… and there was a washing machine sitting on the porch with a hundred dollar bill in an envelope taped to the lid, and boxes of laundry detergent from church…. Somebody obviously understood the principle of charity where you don’t let the right hand know what the left hand is doing…. God bless them!

Adjusting for inflation, that $100 in the mid-1970s would be the equivalent of more than $600 today. The experience left this couple with a burning desire to give in similar ways to others, and they have done so across the decades since as they try to “pay it forward.” 

Many participants shared similar feelings and stories about the financial support they received from their faith communities. Sarah, a Jewish mother of two, is a great example of being a support to others. She shared, “It’s a real comfort to feel like you’ve provided a meal for someone or given money for a good cause. You walk away from that feeling that all is right with your little part of the world, that you did your piece. It may be stressful, but the majority of the time you walk away feeling comforted.” 

Effects on the Marital Relationship

Many participants reported that their marriages also benefited from their financial giving, but others emphasized that religious (and other) giving can strain the marital relationship if it is not a shared financial goal. A Latter-day Saint father named Todd said, “Sometimes money can be divisive but through our religious faith we know that the money’s not ours and we know that it’s a tool.” When couples share this vision, they do well. This concept was explained thoroughly by Doug, a Christian husband and marriage counselor, who reported, 

I think the number one reason we have a strong marriage is God. The number two reason is the ability to agree financially on issues, because finances are the number one killer of relationships. Many married people disagree about money…. The fact is, we have the same financial goals and priorities. Money is the number one fight—money—and if you can navigate that particular obstacle, you will do well in marriage. 

For couples like Doug and his wife, shared commitments to giving and serving can become a strength for the marriage. However, the ideal of selflessness is difficult to attain, and many participant couples admitted to arguing about money. 

Religious Giving and Children

Takeaways 

As believers, these findings can help us navigate the blessings and challenges of religious giving in our own financial situations. Key insights include:

Reframe sacrifice as giving. Highly religious individuals viewed their financial contributions not as sacrifices but as gifts and priorities rooted in faith, which reinforced their sense of purpose and moral identity. As believers, we can also strive to elevate our perspective and reframe faith-based financial sacrifices as opportunities to put God and others first.

Avoid letting money become divisive. We can be aware of how money can potentially divide relationships and cause stress, and ultimately remember that money may not be what matters most. When we focus on our connection with the divine and serving others, financial giving can be a source of relational strengthening for all involved, instead of a source of division. This awareness can remind us of what truly lasts.

Grow in service and faith. We can consider how we might invite more faith, unity, and purpose into our financial decisions. Whether we are giving time, money, or support, we can try to view these acts not as burdens but rather as sacred opportunities to grow closer to God, strengthen our relationships, and to serve others with love.

The post What Faithful Giving Builds appeared first on Public Square Magazine.

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The story of Queen Esther focuses on a terrifying extermination order in Ancient Persia to eliminate the Jewish population—and a high-stakes marital challenge. Queen Esther, a Jew, was married to the Persian King Ahasuerus (also known as Xerxes). The king had permitted his highest-ranking official, Haman, to pass the extermination order without knowing its consequences to the Jewish people—or the Jewish identity of his own wife. 

Esther’s uncle, Mordecai, urged Esther to approach the king to plead for her people’s lives. But Persian law dictated that anyone who approached the king in his inner court without being specifically summoned would be put to death. The only exception was if the king extended his golden scepter to spare the person’s life.

Faced with the threat of her people’s destruction, Esther called her community to fast and pray before she approached the king:

Go, gather together all the Jews that are present in Shushan, and fast ye for me, and neither eat nor drink three days, night or day: I also and my maidens will fast likewise; and so will I go in unto the king, which is not according to the law: and if I perish, I perish.

Esther then stepped forward with courage to do what was right despite immense danger. 

She expressed her strength not only inwardly, but in an outward act of faith. Through her religious actions and the united actions of her faith community, she successfully persuaded her husband, the king, to spare her people—and her own life. 

Esther’s inspiring story is retold once a year in the Jewish community, and her courageous spirit lives on in the daily lives of highly religious women. For highly religious women, Esther is not just a historical figure but a functional model for navigating challenging situations, including in the home. In this article, we will discuss the findings from a recent study we conducted about the religious actions that women of faith, like Esther, take to overcome their marital challenges and hardships.

Belief in God Leads to External Resources That Strengthen Marriage

Esther’s unwavering faith in God gave her the strength to face the king, even if it meant she might die. In our study, while the lives of believers were not on the line, family happiness was. We found a recurring theme of what religious women do to call down the power of God into their family life. Gwen, an African American Christian, called it the “big three” and said this:

If you are doing the big three: prayer, being in the word, and fellowshipping with those of like faith then it helps you, and you can encourage other people when they do see that you’re still happy in your marriage after umpteen years.

So how do prayer, scripture, and fellowshipping contribute to happy marriages and families? We turn now to insights from our study participants.

Prayer

Our study participants commonly expressed a connection between their relationship with God and the way they chose to act in their marriages and families. They reported that they built strong bonds with God through prayer. Anne, a Catholic, said:

My faith has had its ups and downs. During the lowest downs where I’ve really been kind of far from God, I haven’t been a very good wife, and I haven’t been a very good mother. But when I’ve come back to God and been closer and been more faithful and more active in my own personal prayer life, then I’ve been better: a nicer person and a better wife and a better mother. So, they just, they’re totally hand in hand. I can’t really separate prayer and my family relationships.

Not only did prayer help participants improve their relationships, but it also fostered spiritual and personal growth. Alyshia, an African American Christian, offered this:

Having a solid relationship with the Lord … He will tell you when you are out of line. The Lord will change you and say, ‘Look at thy selfishness; … and then we can see a little more clearly. Definitely, a solid relationship with God helps with my marriage and family relationships.

In addition, husbands and wives used prayer as a means of resolving disagreements. Yui, a Chinese Christian, said, “When we had some disagreements, we prayed together, confessed our sins before God, and learned to forgive each other.” For many of the women we interviewed, prayer was not merely a religious practice—it involved a sacred connection to get closer to God and closer to family.

Scripture Study

Reading sacred texts or scriptures emerged as another key resource for the women we interviewed. Moriah, a Jewish wife, said that reading the Torah brought her and her spouse closer together:

So often you just stop talking. You don’t communicate, and so I think when we read Torah together, which we really try to do pretty often, it does create conversation and more understanding, and I think certainly that reduces conflict. It prevents conflict. It also helps remedy conflict once it’s there.

Cassandra, an African American Christian wife, also commented:

I get all of my inspiration and all of my guidance from the Bible. That’s how I learned how to treat others. How to treat people and how to be in my marriage with my relationship with my husband. And that is what puts things in priority, in order. That’s where I get it from. And when I make decisions, I always say, ‘I don’t make decisions just based on what I think. It’s coming from scripture.’ It’s gonna be scripture-based or it’s gonna be something on that ground.

Not only did scripture study reportedly influence couple communication and personal decision-making, but it also enhanced participants’ relationships with both God and with their spouse—reflecting similar benefits to prayer. Mercy, a Baptist wife, relayed this about God’s word:

When two people are married, what’s wrong in you really influences the other person. But for me, I find the only way that I grow very effectively is through God’s touch in my life. So I study in scripture and learn more about who God is and what His heart is for our relationship, for His world that He’s made. It helps me to be able to grow myself so that I can better apply what I learn into my relationships.

Participating in a Faith Community

Just as Esther drew support from her uncle and the Jewish community, the women we interviewed drew vital support from their faith communities. Emily, a Baptist wife and mother, highlighted how her congregation gave her needed support:

So, faith helps me because I realize that there is a different way to do [life]. And I can actually learn how to do it differently, with other people who are also learning too. Some people I know are much further along, and I can learn from them. And I find that I can actually share experiences with other people that help them. I think being in a faith community is helpful that way, because we realize that we’re not alone.

Sometimes I’ll go to Bible study and I’ll realize: ‘Boy, the kinds of things that my husband Michael and I maybe are facing or dealing with are nothing compared to what someone else might be experiencing.’ Or I can learn from other people and bring it back into our marriage and say: ‘Hey, this is something somebody shared with me; and what do you think?’ So it’s a dynamic thing. There’s all these relationships that affect us and we have those relationships because we have the same faith.

Similarly, Noor, an Arab American Muslim wife and mother, commented on how her masjid (mosque) and its faith-based classes have offered her direction in her marriage:

Basically, I need to learn more about Islam to strengthen our marriage, even make it stronger. I think that by getting more in depth in Islam, which I’m trying to do now, I’m going to classes and everything. So, it’s helping me understand a lot more; and I think that it makes me understand more my role in our marriage and how I’m supposed to act.

Many of these women of faith drew marital support from their faith communities.  These supportive relationships were often so strong that many women referred to “sisters” and “brothers” in their “church family” who had helped their marriages to grow spiritually, temporally, and relationally. Many of the women of faith emphasized that growing alongside others helped them navigate their marriages and parenting with greater wisdom and perspective than they would have found on their own.

A Legacy of Courage

Our study participants’ words echo the legacy of Esther: courage is born not only from within, but from a life rooted in faith and the relationships it enriches. Like Esther, these women found strength not in their circumstances but in their devotion to God and in the support of a covenant community. 

By turning to the “big three” of prayer, studying sacred texts, and engaging in marriage-strengthening fellowship with others, their faith shaped how they navigated marital hardship in myriad ways. The sacred practices of these women did more than comfort them; these relational efforts empowered them. Prayer, study, and covenant community worked together to foster clarity, compassion, and resilience in the face of difficulties and challenges in family life. Ultimately, the perspective of these women was that active faith in God can help provide not only a set of coping tools, but a deeper sense of strength, purpose, and connection within their marriages.

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In The Merchant of Venice, Shakespeare’s portrayal of Shylock, the Jewish moneylender, embodied the danger that can accompany misrepresentation and stereotyping. Reduced by society to “the Jew,” Shylock is seen as less than human, his depiction fraught with inaccuracy and hyperbole. This unjustly skewed representation of the Jewish people has reinforced antisemitic sentiment across the globe, the effects of which have lasted for generations and continue to this day in many parts of the world.

Throughout history, religious minorities have faced significant struggles due to erroneous beliefs perpetuated about them, including by media and popular discourse. While the United States was founded on principles of religious pluralism and equality, our current society yet reflects harmful gaps in religious literacy that fuel a lack of empathy for those who believe differently than most.

The American Families of Faith Project conducted in-depth interviews with 131 families belonging to religious minority communities (e.g., Jewish, Muslim, Latter-day Saint, Jehovah’s Witness, and other minority faith traditions) to identify the most salient struggles being faced by these families on a regular basis. The published study resulting from this work presented five primary themes that reinforce the need for meaningful reform in religious literacy, education, tolerance and interreligious cohesion in the United States.

Theme 1: Struggles Related to Difference and Minority Status

Among the minority families interviewed, over one-third identified their religious distinctiveness, including behaviors, clothing, and practices that diverge from social norms, as a primary source of tension within majority culture. Narratives involving children were described as particularly distressing for parents. Bekah (names changed to protect participants), a Jewish mother, described witnessing her daughters’ religious exclusion:

There have been some difficult times with the girls, every year. “Why are all the decorations for Christmas?” You know, just a lot of questions and irritation, and I understand their irritation and I’ve experienced it in the past, but I’ve gotten to a point in my life where I’m not irritated by it. I keep explaining to the girls that people are not doing this to be mean, people do not mean to be excluding other religions, they’re not trying to hurt you. This is [just] what they do to celebrate.

Although the pain of not belonging was a frequently shared experience, most families were unwilling to compromise their religious convictions, even when this meant becoming accustomed to and even expecting exclusion from social activities. Wafiyah, a Muslim mother, borrowed the words of her daughter:

Because I wear hijab [when I am out] in the community… I have to be different. I cannot be friends with everybody because their reaction to my hijab is different. I can only communicate with the friends that I have from childhood [because] they know me. Making strong relationships is hard in a new community.

These patterns suggest that, especially for children and adolescents, the struggle of being different has the potential to shape their sense of belonging and ability to connect with their community. Many adolescents in mainstream culture are unfamiliar with visible religious identifiers such as hijabs, yarmulkes, or saris, which can exacerbate religious exclusion. Conversely, if young people see positive representation of these religious and cultural identifiers in media, they may experience less fear associated with religious identifiers.

Theme 2: Struggles Related to Other Religious People

While many participants described struggles with those outside their faith, a second prominent theme involved tensions within religious communities. Angie, a convert to Islam from a Christian faith, shared:

When I was in the [X] church, I hit rock bottom when my parents divorced and then the minister was publicly humiliated because he was having affairs on his wife. That was my loss in trust, my trust was totally broken and my family life was shattered all at the same time.

I had no idea where to go. I wondered, how can these people lead others?… At that time I had hit rock bottom. I had God but I didn’t have a faith.

Angie’s recollection highlights a shared struggle among minorities, which is often overlooked: intrafaith relations, or struggles within one’s own faith community. These religious difficulties are complex, but may include feelings of betrayal, mistrust, exclusion, division, or taking offense. 

In a similar vein, Elijah, a Jewish father, explained a conflict he faced at his synagogue:

I profoundly disagree with institutional Judaism. For [my wife and me], Israel/Palestine is important. It’s actually caused friction between us and various Jewish friends of ours … in the synagogue. I will open my mouth and there will be people who are very upset at me. It’s a little interesting that we both feel … that it’s so important to have a synagogue, but in some ways we do not get along with the people in the synagogue.

Taken together, these stories reveal that while faith communities can be a source of great comfort for religious minority families, they can also be a cause of tension and deep divides. For minority families to flourish in the United States, there is progress to be made on an interfaith level as well as an intrafaith level.

Theme 3: Struggles Related to Misunderstanding and Ignorance

Echoing the damaging stereotype of Shylock in The Merchant of Venice, many of the religious minority participants revealed that they experienced feelings of frustration due to misunderstanding, ignorance, and being inaccurately portrayed. Notably, many Muslim families alluded to the pain they have experienced due to misconceptions surrounding the events of 9/11 in 2001 and during the subsequent years. Baseema, a Muslim wife said, “After September 11th you [could] feel it … They … question sometime[s], not with words but with their eyes.”

Another Muslim mother, Aisha, explained, “People think that [after 9-11], “Oh, Muslims, they take this lightly.” We were hurt that people were hurt. So, I think we were more offended that … [many] thought [the terrorism] was a form of … Islamic activity … [instead of the acts of terrorists].”

These poignant accounts invite us to examine our own assumptions about others. As the Nigerian novelist Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie argues, the danger of a single story lies in its reducing people or groups of humanity to one-dimensional stereotypes, rather than seeing them in multi-dimensional living reality.

Theme 4: Struggles Related to the Demands of Faith Community

The fourth theme, also found across participants from various minority faith traditions, centered on religious demands and expectations within one’s faith, many sharing that they often fall short of the high expectations despite their religious devotion. For example, Rose, a Latter-day Saint mother, explained:

Being a main member of the [congregation] carries a lot of responsibility. We are responsible to support everything. If [we] weren’t there [people ask],“Where were you?” There’s so much that I have to [do] and getting the three little girls [ready for church on top of that]. I really, really try. It’s hard, but I want to support everything and sometimes I get overwhelmed with all the responsibilities.

Rose’s reflection highlights a struggle that can be especially pronounced for religious minorities living in parts of the U.S. where few people share their faith or can offer support. Many also described the added pressure of needing to be exemplary representatives of their faith to those outside their community, further complicating this religious stressor.

Theme 5: Struggles Related to Animosity and Rejection

Without even being asked a related question, about one-eighth of the participants in the study spontaneously described being the victim of hatred, hostility, or rejection—experiences that left lasting impressions on those involved. Violent acts such as arson have disproportionately impacted Jewish synagogues, Black churches, and Muslim mosques (masjids) in the United States. Recent acts of hatred, including a 2024 attack on a Latter-day Saint church in Michigan reaffirm the existence of violent religious prejudice. Moreover, many families in the study reported experiencing acts of bigotry in one form or another. Ibrahim and Jala, a Muslim couple, a few months after 9/11, explained how popular media had been a cause of stress for them:

Ibrahim: It’s been really stressful for all Muslims. It’s tough to even watch the news anymore.

Jala: It’s so depressing.

Ibrahim: There is not one day that goes by without something negative about the Muslims. It’s been very stressful for all of us.

Their words reveal the distress felt by religious minorities who have navigated pervasive assumptions that their faith tradition is inherently violent. As a result, there is pressure to try to counteract false narratives. Another aspect of this theme was highlighted by a Christian father named Thomas, who spoke to the complexities that can arise when engaging with someone of another faith:

Our middle son, Jonathan… about five years ago . . . [he was] maybe going on about four [years old]. [Jonathan] was concerned for the salvation of this little neighbor friend… [who is] Hindu. His mother [also is] Hindu . . . but what happened was [Jonathan] tried to share his faith with him and said, “If you do not believe in God, you’re going to go to hell.” … His [friend’s] mother was very offended by that and now they do not—[well], it’s been five years and they do not play together [anymore]. That [has] hurt.

If this exchange and fallout were painful for Thomas and his son Jonathan, how much pain was experienced by the Hindu friend and his parents? There is significant room for additional learning, religious literacy, and neighborly compassion among us all.

Navigating struggles of difference can be painfully divisive for minority families. For many, it can be especially challenging to accept and respect the differing beliefs of others, when one’s own convictions are so deeply held. With greater empathy, our society can increase its capacity for awareness and sensitivity in avoiding damage and offense—and for humble repentance, forgiveness, and reconciliation when damage is done, whether intended or not. This is the healing balm that our world is in greater need of now than ever before.

Hath Not a Jew Eyes?

During a pivotal moment in The Merchant of Venice, Shylock makes a powerful appeal to shared humanity while facing those who have wronged him:

Hath not a Jew eyes? Hath not a Jew hands, organs, dimensions, senses, affections, passions? Fed with the same food, hurt with the same weapons, subject to the same diseases, healed by the same means, warmed and cooled by the same winter and summer, as a Christian is?

Diverse religious convictions may lead us to believe that we are too different to cultivate peace and view one another with empathy, but Shylock posits that we each grieve, suffer, love, and hope —things that make us more alike than we might think. We share so much in common—the things that make us human, many things that matter profoundly.

In examining the struggles experienced by religious minority families in the United States, the need for foundational change is undeniable. The question, then, is where do we begin? 

Both the participants and the researchers involved in the American Families of Faith Project suggest starting with small, intentional steps, such as: (1) asking respectful questions about someone’s beliefs or practices with the intent to listen and learn, (2) attending religious services or celebrations outside one’s own tradition to support a friend, or (3) cultivating friendship with someone of a different faith. While interreligious understanding will not occur overnight, small steps have the power to bridge divides.

As we become a society that listens rather than assumes, and reconciles rather than retaliates, we will begin to see religious minority families not as stereotypes but as people—each with a unique story to tell.

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All American Families of Faith participant names are pseudonyms to protect identity.

For many immersed in 21st-century culture, the idea of repentance may be jarringly akin to “shaming,” guilt-tripping, or fear-based condemnation. These connotations suggest links to depression, anxiety, and relational struggles and strife.  

In sharp contrast, however, many of the roughly 200 wives and husbands we interviewed in our American Families of Faith project—people with religious and relational strengths—discussed repentance as personal transformative change that has strengthened or even saved their marriage, their parent-child relationships, or both. For them, repentance is not a dark night of the soul, but the dawn of a better day for them and their loved ones. 

Jesus’ parable of the Prodigal Son opens with the words: “A certain man had two sons” (Luke 15:11). We learn that one of the two sons wanted to be finished with his life at home and requested “his portion” of his inheritance. 

The son wandered far from his father’s home and values, and gloried for a time in unfettered hedonism. The inheritance, however, was soon squandered, and when a famine hit, the prodigal son was reduced to caring for swine, the filthiest of animals in Jewish tradition. At rock bottom, the consequences of the wayward son’s foolish choices led him to think back on his father and filled him with a desire, or at least a desperation, to return home. 

As the father watched the road, he hoped that one day his son would come back to him, and “while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him” (Luke 15:20, NIV). His son, with a humble heart, pleaded, “Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son” (Luke 15:18-21, NIV). 

Instead, the father asked his servants to bring the finest robe, a ring, and shoes to clothe his son, then ordered a feast to celebrate his return.

As in the story of the Prodigal Son, in the American Families of Faith project, we have found instances of families being reunited, restored, preserved, and strengthened through acts of repentance. Personal transformative changes tend to have positive relational consequences. A close exploration of participants’ responses helped us to understand the processes and power of repentance among diverse Christian, Jewish, and Muslim families. 

The families’ recurring references, discussions, and explanations of repentance and forgiveness were particularly noteworthy given that we asked no direct questions about repentance and forgiveness. These insights emerged as participants shared the key practices and principles they embraced to become the type of family their respective clergy deemed strongest and most exemplary in their faith community.

Reasons for Repentance

Among participants, three main reasons were offered regarding the desire to repent. The first and primary reason for making difficult changes was having faith and a relationship with God. Charles, an Orthodox Christian father, said, “The desire to be with God, to be able to speak to Him, brings one to repentance and toward better action.” 

Similarly, Rachel, an Orthodox Jewish wife, related:

When you become more closely acquainted with Hashem¹ and … what His expectations are, you come to a realization that what you yourself want is not the most paramount thing on earth. … My goal [and] my purpose is to live a more Jewish life; not to live a more self-fulfilling life in the sense of material stuff … [and] egotistical things. 

A second motivating force or influence toward repentance and forgiveness is religious practices and rituals. These sacred practices reportedly reminded individuals of their spiritual beliefs and motivated them to consider how they could improve their behavior. Tyra, an African American Baptist wife, said of her husband of about two decades,

I’m sure to get on his nerves. He gets on my nerves … [but] we’re able to go to Bible study and go to Sunday service, and we’re going to hear something. God is always going to bring a word back to our [remembrance] that’s going to make us realize and ask Him for forgiveness, and we [then] come back and ask each other for forgiveness. 

We found similar narratives surrounding parent-child relationships, where the parents were inspired to repent and change because of their children. Such changes included improving dietary intake in ways that were health-conscious, religiously driven, or both. Changes also included increasing religious involvement, “walking the walk” to avoid hypocrisy, and striving to better “practice what you preach.” Indeed, an overarching lesson that emerged from the strong families we interviewed was a conviction that “Our behavior is permission to others to behave similarly … but it is more than that. It is an invitation to do so.”² To summarize the leading motivations for repentance, parents changed for God, they changed because of their religion, and they changed for their family members.

Steps for Repentance

American Families of Faith participants discussed various processes involved in repentance. First, one recurring idea was that repentance is a daily process that must be repeated often. Brent, a Jehovah’s Witness husband, said, “We’re constantly praying to God for forgiveness.”

Other instances of repentance occurred as couples worked together. Tanner, an Orthodox Christian husband, said, “I was not very religious when I first met [my wife] Amy, but she got me thinking about it. … I hadn’t really had any experience in the church for probably 15 years … but she made it an important thing to explore.” 

Several couples stressed the importance of patience with others as you are striving to be better. An African American Christian wife named Joelle determined that she would help her husband in his own faith journey, even if it took time. She recalled,

Even though I was on fire for God and I had made some changes in my life … my husband loves to [go to clubs] … and so I would still go with him. And you know, I think a lot of times women make that mistake, they become so self-righteous. … [But] until he was ready … [I believed] it was up to God to make the changes in him, that it wasn’t up to me. … And when he had begun to make changes, I just stepped it up a bit. … [It] was a matter of matching my steps with his steps so that we were still in harmony. 

This idea of growing together was echoed in the words of Quon, an Asian Christian husband, who said, “Sometimes she was ahead, sometimes I was ahead, and we encouraged each other to grow in the Lord together.” Likewise, Ramzi, a Muslim husband, shared, 

Our being together has influenced our progression in the faith. … Sometimes, I become lazy with some of the aspects of religion, then she reminds me, “[Y]ou are slacking off …” [For example], you are slacking off with your prayers, and you need to do them on time. So definitely, being together has helped us progress in our faith gradually. 

Husbands from various backgrounds noted that their wives helped them to stay on track. They also found vital actions of repentance during their relational struggles and conflicts that helped them to recognize the need for repentance.

Resources to Aid in Repentance 

There were two resources that participants mentioned as especially helpful in efforts to make constructive changes and repent. The first resource was having a belief in and a relationship with God, gaining strength through seeking divine assistance and grace. Christi, a Hispanic Christian mother, illustrated how she used this resource:

Only through my faith, that’s the only way [I was able to change], because … I just enjoyed smoking marijuana, that was just a part of my [life]. … There are [old friends], who are still smoking it, who can’t believe [that I’ve quit]. … Everything around my faith is positive for our marriage because it [helps us do what] we need to do. 

Not only did participants reportedly employ their faith and belief in God to change their individual behaviors, but faith was also central in helping to change the behaviors in their relationships. Ali, an Arab American Muslim father, said, “If we can’t get along, we [have] got to ask for God’s assistance. … We have to beg Him for His help and His aid, we have to receive His [guidance].” 

A second recurring resource we identified among participants’ responses in helping them make personal changes was various forms of religious practice and worship, including both public and private practices. 

Attending church was an example mentioned by Sophie, a Presbyterian wife who said, “Our practice of going to church on Sunday … reminds me of those things [I should be doing], [and] literally, I feel transformed within the hour, that I can actually do it.” 

Another example was from Yuusif, an Arab American Muslim father, who expressed: 

[The] five prayer times are basically reminders for Muslims [as to what] they should be doing. … You are alive to have a better afterlife, and to do that is to please God, and the way to please God is to praise God and ask for forgiveness for whatever you have done wrong. … People who do [these prayers] will be better people, better human beings. … Personally, it does affect me, and I would say my family [too], that it reminds us what the priority is. 

Other religious resources mentioned included studying sacred texts, seeking the support of one’s faith community, sacraments, fasting, the observance of High Holy Days and Shabbat (for many Jews), and the month of Ramadan (for many Muslims).  

How Repentance Strengthens Relationships with Others and God

There were many reports of positive outcomes for families and individuals that came from repentance. Many said repentance led them to have a better connection or relationship with God.  Timony, an Evangelical Christian husband, said, “As we invite Him into our life and He forgives our sins … He changes us and makes us more like Him, and the desire of our hearts changes and we develop friendship with God. I mean, that’s amazing!”  

There were also many positive family outcomes from repentance. Like the statement in The Family: A Proclamation to the World³ which states that “Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness …,” we found that repentance helped strengthen family relationships. Felipe, a Hispanic Catholic husband and father, explained, 

There have been so many times … our children have tried to do things that we haven’t taught them to do, but then when you come to them and say, ‘Hey, remember what the Bible says, you shouldn’t be doing that.’ And then, it is like they wake up again, and they say, ‘Alright, I was doing bad.’ And that happens many times. And the same for others, and adults, you know? … [Correcting] things like that make[s] your family life much better. 

Similarly, Sandra, an Orthodox Christian mother, said that a key for her family “to help avoid or reduce conflict, whether in the family or the marriage, is … frequent forgiveness and confession. And having those things is what keeps us, the kids and the parents together.” Reports like those from Sandra and Felipe indicated that repentance helped create peace in the family.  

Finally, when peace was disturbed or destroyed, repentance helped reduce and resolve marital conflict. Jian, an Asian Christian wife, said, “When we had some disagreements, we prayed together, confessed our sins before God, and learned to forgive each other.” 

Repentance also helped participants to develop habits and virtues that made it easier to reduce and resolve marital conflict. Dustin, an Episcopal husband, said that they had learned: “We are capable of looking at ourselves and seeing and being able to admit that we’re wrong. I do think that a religious background and a belief in God have an effect on that.” 

In summary, repentance creates and maintains peace, but when peace is fractured, it is also repentance that helps to restore peace. 

Repentance is often misunderstood as a term associated with shame and punishment, but for the families of faith we interviewed, it was honored as a powerful resource that promotes both personal and relational transformation. 

We can all relate to the spiritual or relational weight we may feel when we have committed a mistake, but like the Prodigal Son, we can repent and come back to our better selves. The families we interviewed remind us that as we do so, not only are we healed, but our relationships can be as well.

Personal and Relational Processes of Repentance in Religious Jewish, Christian, and Muslim Families

Notes:

1. Hashem (meaning “The Name”) is how many Orthodox Jews refer to God in order to honor the name of God.

2. Marks, L. D., & Dollahite, D. C. (2017). Religion and families. Routledge. (Direct quote from p. 250).

3. A statement of the First Presidency and Council of the Twelve Apostles of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

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One of the most fascinating and inspiring transformations in literature is found in Victor Hugo’s beloved character Jean Valjean. Valjean was convicted for “stealing a mouthful of bread” to feed his sister and her children and was then sentenced to 19 years of hard labor in prison. After his release, he was treated as an outcast by most who saw him. 

One, however, showed him mercy. Bishop Myriel welcomed Jean Valjean, fed him, and invited him to stay the night at his monastery. Jean Valjean was unaccustomed to any form of kindness, and prison had ingrained in him the tendency only to fend for himself. He stole some silverware and ran away, only to be caught and dragged back to the scene of the crime. With divine grace, the bishop said the silverware was a gift, then refused to press charges and pointed out that Jean Valjean had forgotten to take the candlesticks. The bishop’s act of redeeming kindness and forbearance saved Valjean from spending the remainder of his life back in the pit of a Parisian prison. Instead, the bishop secured Valjean’s freedom and provided a fresh start, along with the assurance and sacred charge that Valjean’s soul now belonged to God.

Through this experience with a godly guide, Jean Valjean transformed his character and thereafter used his strength, abilities, and life to help others. The skeptic can justly point out, however, that Hugo’s Les Misérables is classical French fiction. Does “divine transformation” happen to real people in contemporary America?

The American Families of Faith Project includes 198 diverse couples who were identified by their respective clergy as “exemplary” and “strong” in their commitment to their faith and to each other. The balance of the present article compactly reflects a recent social science study that explored the personal and relational “transformations” reported by highly religious wives and husbands. 

Theme 1: The Quiet Miracle of Gradual Transformation

Among the families interviewed, 64% of couples mentioned relational transformations that happened gradually. Such changes often reportedly began with one individual family member, who eventually had a positive impact on others—or even on the whole family. For Darian, an African American Christian husband, the transformative influence came from his wife. He explained: 

I’ve watched her impart … values in the lives of our children over the years. … [T]hat has so much encouraged me to want [to be] more of who God is. By watching her example and watching her pour into them day after day. Just in the small things that she would do during the holidays, things she would do … when the children were very young, before they became of school age. … The Bible became living and alive [to] me because of her.

While the positive examples of family members were frequently referenced, transformation also happened through relatively small practices that were repeated across time—including engaging in worship services and personal prayer. Alvin, a Presbyterian father, reported that he was able to overcome family difficulties through the help of church attendance. He said: 

Going to church on Sunday, when I first went, the good feelings, the positive energy that I felt at church, at first it lasted through Monday, and then I’d be back to my old nasty self. [But over time, the positive energy] slowly progressed, until finally the energy was flowing throughout the whole week so that it was a process of realizing how foolish I felt when I went to church and saw people being so utterly kind to each other and … not focused on themselves. It really brought [me] out of my [self].

Although not as abruptly altered as Jean Valjean, both Darian (through his wife) and Alvin (through “people being so utterly kind to each other” at church) were significantly affected by the compassionate and moral actions of godly people. 

Many others we interviewed similarly spoke of gradual change in their relationships with each other and with God over time. A Jewish couple, Esther and Reuben, said:

When we were first together, our views of God were very different. … I think as we have bonded together [and] had a greater spiritual unity, the relationship with God has deepened. I don’t know that I had as deep of a relationship with God before I got married [or] before we were really close, as I do now.

A gradual transformation reportedly came as Esther and Reuben “bonded together” and developed “greater spiritual unity.” They further reported that as their relationship deepened, so did their relationship with God. 

Another example was offered by Yuan and Li-Mong, a Chinese American immigrant couple who converted to Christianity in mid-adulthood. They described a gradual transformation where their relationship had changed “more and more” because of their faith:

Yuan: Our temper did not grow with our age. Our edges and corners [were] ground out. Faith really [has had] great influence on our marriage. 

Li-Ming: After quarreling, we had to face God; I would blame myself when I [would] think it was my fault. 

Yuan: God really influenced our marriage. [We] thank God. I don’t know how we would be in China if we had not come to the U.S.A. and [come to] believe in God. After we believed in God, our relationship [isn’t] like the world’s man and woman. God has [a] positive influence on our marriage … more and more.

Another slow but meaningful change was reported by Mei, a Christian wife from Taiwan who converted to Christianity along with her husband Qin following 20 years of marriage and a move to the United States. Mei reflected:

We have a big difference in our individual character. He is irritable, I am tender; he is organized, I am not. Qin is always very busy, so sometimes he didn’t know … the situation of our family (or our) children’s development; (or) his situation and mine. We had many conflicts before. … I would (be) frightened by his loud voice. I always cried. He didn’t listen to my explanations. Now (Qin) has changed his temper, and our conflicts are less and less. It was God who changed him. I couldn’t change him for 20 years …

In summary, about two-thirds of the couples we interviewed discussed personal and relational transformations that might well be called quiet miracles of gradual transformation. Even so, they were not the only transformations discussed.

Theme 2: “One Significant Moment”—The Miracle of Sudden Transformation

Many participants, even without being asked to do so, identified one significant moment that catalyzed dramatic and significant change in their actions and relationships. For Jean Valjean, his one-time experience with the merciful and grace-filled bishop helped turn him down a path of service. He truly had felt that “[his] life [was] claim[ed] for God above,” and he shed his former criminal identity. A similar phenomenon of a sharp turning point was reflected in the words of one American Families of Faith participant who said, “I determined at that point that I had to change.” 

Diana, a Christian mother, in a marriage now spanning decades, had a sudden change of heart through an abrupt internal shift near the beginning of her marriage. She recalled:  

[Early on], I ended up in [a] marriage and basically it was a failure. I did not do things well and I did not do things right, and I can remember standing—standing at my kitchen sink one [time] when we’d been married for a couple of years, and I thought, “I’m so unhappy, but I can’t leave,” because divorce was never an option. So I said [to myself], “Either I’m going to change, or I’m going to be miserable for the rest of my life.” So, I determined at that point that I had to change, and just become more godly, and not expect so much for myself, not be so selfish, and [not] expect everything to revolve around me.

Like Diana, others shared singular and sudden experiences that changed their marriage, priorities, and families. Kayla and Jamar, African American Baptists, shared that their transformation—unexpectedly stimulated by the destruction of their pride and joy—their dream car. 

Kayla: I remember asking God, even from the beginning of the year, to bring my family and me close[r] … and the [car] accident did that. … [I]t’s changed. We had a new deal, to do what God has called us to do. … After that happened, it just made me realize that life was too short not to be doing [or] giving my best. So … that was a [big] moment. 

Jamar: It was just the car wreck … the car was basically new. I think it made us look at material things in a different way … and it made me realize what is important, and it’s not “stuff.” It’s life and family and God that [are] important.

One particularly remarkable transformational spiritual experience was shared by Ty, an African-American, Nondenominational Christian husband. Shifting from his typical playful banter to a place of significant seriousness, Ty said:

I … was chasing … life … away. I mean, misusing my family, treating the “world” like [it was] on top. … [B]ut when I accepted God that night, my life and things began to change.

Ty then proceeded to tell his story of “that night.”

I was at a strip club one night. [I was] high, [and] had been drinking, high as a kite, me and my buddy, and he was sitting just like me and you [are] … [and] I heard a voice [call my name], and I said, “Man, stop playing.” He said, “I ain’t call[ed] you.” I heard that voice three times. [Y]ou probably remember the story of Eli and Samuel [in the Bible]. When Samuel went to Eli [after hearing the voice], [Eli] said, “If you hear that voice a third time, [then] say, ‘He[re] am I Lord.’” [Well], I heard that voice three times, and it was so soft.

Ty got up and left not only the strip club, but also broke ties with his drinking buddy. He went on to explain:

God had to change my life, my priorities, and get it lined up right. And once God lined my priorities up, then everything started working the way it was supposed to be in my marriage.

This was not only a significant turning point in Ty’s personal spiritual journey, but the experience reportedly pushed him to prioritize his marriage and family. The transformation had both personal and relational consequences.

Theme 3: The Combination of Gradual and Sudden Transformations

In addition to discussing (a) gradual transformations and (b) sudden, “one significant moment” transformations, many participants discussed experiences that demonstrated positive relational change through both elements of gradual and sudden transformation. Several accounts, for example, involved one spouse changing gradually and the other changing suddenly. Other accounts included a single (sudden) experience or recollection that also reportedly stimulated a gradual change in its wake. Malcolm, a Catholic father, identified a specific moment when his children inspired him to change, and then how he continued to change across time. He said: 

When we were younger, my first two children, I wanted them to go to religion classes … but I wasn’t participating then. … [Also], I would send [my kids] to mass with my wife and my mother, and my dad. And one day, one of my children asked me, “Why should I go there if you don’t go?” And it was very real to me. That’s what started my conversion, because I figured that if I was gonna share religion, then it would need to be a religion that I knew something about. … So, I started to feel the need, and the more I felt the need, the more it became real to me.

The beginning of Malcolm’s conversion came because of a sudden wake-up call from his child, and it motivated him to commence on a long-term faith walk. 

For Holly and Miguel, their individual paths took years to merge into shared transformation and unity in relationship with God. In Holly’s case, the path of faith was slow and steady and had been her walk since childhood. She explained,

There’s a hymn we sing at church that says, “As a deer longs for running streams, so I long for you.” Faith is that longing and knowing that it’s God [that you need].  Some people don’t have that, but I’ve grown up with that and have the understanding as an adult that…I [need] God in some fashion, and that it’s a natural, instinctive thing.  As you grow and learn more about yourself, and your spirituality broadens and you understand certain things in relationship to God, you learn that you need to feed that faith.

Miguel was a Latino Catholic physician who had gone through a recent professional firestorm. His academic and professional life had been marked by expectations of deep fulfillment that never materialized. His recent trials, which occurred after achieving medical prominence, yielded this reflection regarding faith:

As you go through life and its steps, you seek fulfillment.  We would say, “When we finish med school, it’ll be great.  When I finish residency, it’ll be great.  When I get my own practice, it’ll be great.” But you get to each step, and it’s cool, but there’s still that longing…. That’s why we need our faith. That’s why faith is important to us, because ten years ago we were trying to “make it” but (making it) is not what satisfies the longing…. [I have discovered that] faith is the only thing that satisfies that hunger and that longing that seems insatiable.  

For Miguel, the inability to find true fulfillment in his ascension, followed by his abrupt halt on the medical ladder, gradually brought him to a new place of deeper faith and understanding.

Another couple, Lin (H) and Zhen (W), reportedly wrestled with God for nine years and finally “accepted God” after a harrowing experience. They explained, “We together first believed in God because of the adversity in May of 1995, [when] we lost our first child. We were baptized together for the same reason.” Notably, the tragic death of a child has led more than one religious person away from faith. However, in Lin and Zhen’s case, the result was the reverse. Lin told us, “The desperation of a man is the beginning of [knowing] God.” From the crucible of child loss, Lin and Zhen emerged as compassionate partners and (as reported by congregational “sisters and brothers”) they became sources of profound strength and service in their faith community. 

As we consider the “sacred ground” experiences shared by some of America’s exemplary married couples, we are confronted with accounts of crashed cars, dark moments of failure, the call of God to leave a strip club and “get right,” jarring comments from children, and even the loss of a child to death. Even so, it was not these events themselves that produced personal and relational transformations. Rather, the catalyst seemed to be that during the trials of life, these women and men discerned a call from God and then answered that call to become more fully His.

One of the beloved songs sung by Jean Valjean in the Broadway version of Les Misérables reflects a time in his life when he is facing the man he once was. The lyrics indicate that Jean Valjean has gained divine confidence in himself, individually and relationally, as we hear his prayer: 

Still you hear me when I’m calling

Lord, you catch me when I’m falling

And you’ve told me who I am 

I am yours.¹  

The transformed Jean Valjean not only accepted but embraced the reality that he “belonged to God.” Women and men, wives and husbands, mothers and fathers in the American Families of Faith project allowed us onto their sacred ground by sharing many of the experiences through which they came to belong to God. Sometimes these positive transformations came by small and simple means that yielded great things in time. 

In other cases, tragedy or transcendence erupted in “one significant moment,” while in other cases, life seemed to offer both types of transformation—the gradual and the sudden. What interests us most as family scholars, however, is that not only individuals but also family relationships were elevated. Perhaps most importantly, these transformations helped these families become sufficiently “exemplary” that their respective clergy told us, “These are the families you will want to study and learn from.” They were right.

 We have learned that when we examine the most exemplary marriages in America, we find that most were not always that way. The individual and marital transformations these couples experienced—some gradual and some sudden, some beautiful and some bitter—helped forge marriages that not only survived the fire but were refined by it. 

We also learn that if even the most enduring and successful marriages and families often had humble beginnings before transformation, then there is divine hope for the rest of us.

Note:

(1) Schönberg, Claude-Michel. (1980). “Who Am I?” [Song]. Les Misérables (1987 Original Broadway Cast Recording) [Album]. Decca U.S.

The post How Faith Transforms Relationships: A Journey of Personal and Relational Change appeared first on Public Square Magazine.

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All participant names are pseudonyms.

C.S. Lewis wrote, “God is the only comfort; He is also the supreme terror: the thing we most need and the thing we most want to hide from.” These seemingly opposing views of God being a comforting friend, as well as a supreme authority and eternal judge, can be challenging to reconcile. 

We explored if and how different interpretations of God’s character reportedly influence family relationships. An exploration of the quote from Robert Ingersoll may bring some more insight: “It is difficult for a child to find a father in God unless the child first finds something of God in his father.” Ultimately, how someone views God may influence the relationship quality an individual has with their other family members.

We will cover the different views that came to light after in-depth interviews with about 200 religiously diverse families from our American Families of Faith Research Project. We discovered three ways that people tended to identify categories of attributes of God. The first was a belief that God was relational and that He truly was someone they confided in. The second perspective involved seeing God as the ultimate authority figure, a being to whom they were accountable. Thirdly, many reflected a view that combined perspectives 1 and 2 and portrayed a God who possessed both love and authority. We will explain each perspective in detail. 

Perspective 1: God is a Close Confidant 

Many of the participants (88%) expressed a sense of relationship with God. For many, this relationship was a sacred, intimate friendship—a friendship that often included God serving as a close confidant. 

Many participants seemed to convey the belief: “God is personally interested in and blesses my family.” Tucker, a Latter-day Saint father, said, 

We believe that our Heavenly Father is willing, able, and desires to help us in every decision we have to make in life. … We believe you can receive [help]. … [W]e believe that our Heavenly Father is more than happy to … put impressions in our heart [and] in our minds to give us direction. 

Another theme from participants was that they believed they could get help from God to help their families. When Angela, a Catholic mother, was asked about how God played a role in her parenting, she said, 

[I am] consoled by knowing the presence of God, God’s presence in my life. I’m not alone. I, as bad as I sometimes feel I am as a mother, or as a wife, [I still] feel like God’s presence is constant and steady, and God always loves me, and that’s consoling for me. 

In conjunction with helping their family, participants not only believed God was there, but that God was available to specifically help with their familial relationships. 

Emily, an Evangelical Christian wife and mother, shared how she turned to God when she felt at a loss as to how to help her children. 

Many times, you just have to pray…. For me, it’s a very personal thing. I can go to God and say, “I’m really concerned about this situation that this child is dealing with—help them.” I can intervene on their behalf before God, and He would work with the situation in their lives and help them. 

Participants’ reports of trusting God varied, but many reported that they trusted God to help them navigate their family relationships. Many participants’ accounts alluded to God as a source of healing and support. A Muslim wife and mother named Noor felt that God was a personal help to her. She said, 

I think many times when one of my children was very ill, I did personal supplication to Allah and … He … calmed me down and helped me through the situation. I believe that God really has helped me personally, and … that God has also helped the whole family. 

These families believed that God was personally interested in and blessed their families and that He would help and strengthen family relationships, including being a support and a healing balm. 

Perspective 2: God is an Authority Figure

Eighty-six percent of participants saw God as an authority figure. Not only was this perspective widely held, but it was also expressed at the frequency of about seven accounts per interview. Next, we explore participants’ reflections and insights on God as an authority figure. 

A common theme from the interviews was how vital it was for these families to submit to God’s will, even when challenging, in matters of marriage and family life. This submission requires humility and was well illustrated by Jimmy, an Evangelical Christian husband and father, who said, “The more I submit to God, the better husband I become.”

This submission to the Divine was reportedly a difficult and lifelong work. We again reference C.S. Lewis, who wrote, “I didn’t go to religion to make me happy. I always knew a bottle of Port would do that. If you want a religion to make you feel really comfortable, I certainly don’t recommend Christianity.” 

Participants also found that believing that God had a plan for their family gave them purpose and hope amidst their rising challenges. Hannah, a Jewish wife and mother, shared how a challenge with her husband seemed to be a part of “Hashem’s [G-d’s]¹ plan” even when it was during a painful time in her life: 

But wasn’t this [hardship] actually, without our knowing it, all part of Hashem’s plan? … We didn’t like it. We suffered because we were unhappy, because we weren’t on the same path, right? But obviously this was how it was intended to work itself out, so that instead of you and me going divergent roads over it, we had to work together and find a place where we could be comfortable with each other and build a Jewish home together. 

From Hannah’s words, we can interpret that divine plans are sometimes clearer in retrospect than in the present. For many families we interviewed, these divine “plans” involved religious expectations, or commandments, which we will discuss next. 

Many of the religious individuals and families we interviewed felt a strong call, pull, or obligation to abide by the commandments or rules of God. Jake, an Evangelical Christian husband, said, “Obeying his [God’s] laws, or his commands, or his teachings, is very important to have a successful life and a family.” Participants from various branches of Judaism, Islam, and Christianity offered harmonizing views—acknowledging the authority of God, of good that came when this authority was honored, and of damage that tended to occur when it was not.

These AFF participants truly felt that when they submitted to God’s will and chose to follow His plan by keeping the commandments, they would be blessed. These beliefs comprise the viewpoint with God as an authority figure. We will now discuss how participants saw God as a friend and as an authority figure simultaneously. 

Perspective 3: God is an Authority Figure and a Close Confidant 

In brief review, 88% of participants spoke of God in warm, friendly, relational terms while 86% emphasized the authority of God. These two views of God were not viewed as conflicting or mutually exclusive. Indeed, about three-quarters of the families reflected both perspectives on God at some point in their interviews. In addition to this, however, we identified 202 accounts (in about 40% of the interviews) where participants referenced God as an authority figure and a close confidant within the same set of sentences. We will now delve into some of these “dualistic” instances. 

A recurring response from American Families of Faith participants that reflected both the “warm” role as God as friend and the “firm” role of God as the ultimate authority was a two-part belief that (1) God knows where families needed to be and (2) what they needed to be doing in their lives. Both aspects are illustrated by Yuusif, an Arab Muslim husband and father, who said, 

When you hear bad news, there is a prayer for it. When something good has happened, there is a prayer of thanks. Again, like I said: Decisions. Should I take this charge, or should I not? Should I move here, or should I not? Should I do this? So there are [many ways of] actual[ly] seeking guidance from God. 

Participants’ accounts regarding how they could trust God to help them in their relationships were different from seeing God as a close confidant, because rather than just having an interpersonal trust in God, they had trust in God’s authority. Benton, a Black Christian husband, spoke about what happened when he would do what God asked of him: 

I’m blessed with being able to supply enough for my family … but I think that [the] Lord gave me the talent that I have to be able to support my family with what I do in life, and then when He calls you to do something, like [volunteer] work that I do at the church, He’ll provide whatever you need, regardless of what it is. 

Benton had the view that God was someone who had the authority to ask him to do things, and also that God would graciously “provide whatever you need” to make those divine requests work together for the good of him and his family. Therefore, these “calls” from the Lord reportedly served as both authoritative demands and loving blessings.

Often, American Families of Faith participants spoke of having conversations with God through prayer about their family relationships. Many would address God as an authoritative, supreme being, but would also speak to Him as if He were a close confidant. Tara, a Christian wife and mother, explained:

I think we’re always asking for help and guidance in what we do with our kids and how we interact with them and what might be best for them. [It’s] just sort of a constant conversation with God. 

Only 79 families had accounts of experiences of God as both an authority figure and a close confidant in the same passage, but 156 families reported experiences with God as an authority figure and as a close confidant at different points throughout the interviews. This led us to conclude that a majority of the religiously devoted families interviewed had a holistic view of God that involved both a sense of loving relationship and a sense of potent ultimate authority. 

Takeaways

Dualistic perspectives of the Divine can affect parents’ own approaches with their children. For example, there are differences in “high authority figure” parenting versus “close-friend” parenting. A significant body of social science research indicates that optimal parenting often combines both relational warmth and relatively high expectations—in other words, both expecting the best from children and giving them the love “and” support to attain their best. Yet, authority and friendship occasionally combine in the need for chastening and correcting in loving ways.  

C.S. Lewis stated, “Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. But presently, He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make sense. The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of—throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were being made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself.”

As a heavenly parent, God has the power to alter our plans and replace them with divine plans. However, if we trust God as a friend, we can be confident that He will create lives for us that exceed our expectations, including guiding, challenging, and elevating us in our familial relationships.

Note:

(1) Orthodox Jews often use “G-d” rather than “God” to show respect for the name of God and, for the same reason, refer to God as “Hashem” (meaning “The Name”).

The post The Dual Role of God in Family Relationships appeared first on Public Square Magazine.

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In the very first chapter of the first book in the Bible, God commanded Adam and Eve, “Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth” (Genesis 1:28). Religion has always informed the meanings and purposes of sex, but has not limited sex to procreation. In the second chapter of Genesis, God also commanded our first parents to “be[come] one flesh” (Genesis 2:24). “In the beginning,” the divine plan included having a family and the unifying and sanctifying power of marital sexual relations. 

Over the past 25 years, in our American Families of Faith project, we have interviewed hundreds of wives and husbands from “exemplary marriages” in many faiths across the major branches of Judaism, Christianity, and Islam. Many participants raised and addressed the topic of religion and sexuality without us even asking them to “go there.” What did they tell us?  

Some Religious Beliefs Can Be Damaging

Much of what the exemplary wives and husbands discussed about the connection between religion and sexuality was positive. However, despite being highly religious themselves, some couples readily acknowledged real and potential harms of certain religiously based ideas on marital sexuality. When we asked participants if there were any negative or damaging aspects of religion, one Eastern Orthodox Christian husband responded, 

One [potentially damaging belief] that comes to mind … [is] the idea that … human sexuality is only for procreation. I think [that] is very dangerous to marriages. One of our fathers, John Chrysostom, says it’s for two things—children and the increase of love. 

A Christian wife named Jessica said, 

I think that one [harm] is this issue of sacrifice and guilt. If a person feels like they have to always have to give in to what the other person wants, or always kind of crucify themselves for the sake of the marriage, that’s not going to lead to long-term health. 

Another issue, avoidance of communication about sex, was raised by an Orthodox Jewish wife named Sarah, who said,

Well, certainly [some highly religious persons] are missing the spirit [of sex]. When I was growing up, we weren’t allowed to read certain books. I would hide them under my bed. We didn’t talk about sex at all [and that was not helpful].

Noting the above issues of potentially damaging beliefs, poor messaging, and lack of communication about sex that religion can intensify, we now turn to several positive connections between religion and sex that our participants shared.

The Sanctity of Sex

As reported in a Review of Religious Research article by Chelom E. Leavitt and colleagues, American Families of Faith participants discussed how sex can elevate and bless marriage. Many couples expressed their belief that God gave them the “gift” of sex to unite them, to create strong bonds, and to gain a sense of connection. A Muslim husband named Ahmad said, 

[S]exual interaction between married couples is considered worship in Islam, and you get rewarded in terms of good deeds. [However], if you have [the] intention when you do it, that you are [only serving] yourself, and [only trying] to fulfill your desire, [you] do it the wrong way. 

Ahmad clarified that marital sex is considered a form of worship, and that it must be focused on one’s partner and the relationship—not based in self-absorption. A Black Christian woman named Shawna praised her husband, Ty, for not being “selfish” in their sexual relationship. Shawna said, 

[T]he other thing that I appreciate about [my husband, Ty, is that] he is my lover and he’s an awesome lover. He takes the time to make sure that my needs are met. He’s not selfish in the bedroom. I know when we go up there, he’s looking out [for me] (laughter). … [O]ur children, we always said to them, “This is keeping Jesus happy, because [our] marriage bed is undefiled.” And I said, “So, if you want to know what’s going on [in our bedroom], Mama and Daddy are just keeping Jesus happy.” Our children are very open about [discussing] sex, because we have been [open with them]. 

For Shawna and Ty, and many others we interviewed, their marital and sexual relationship had a higher purpose, were a form of worship, and were even a way to please God through fidelity and keeping the “marriage bed undefiled.” Rather than being seen as sinful or problematic, for most of our AFF respondents, sex is seen as joyful and happy and can draw the couple into a deeper connection that is sacred and God-ordained. This view is what helps sexuality to become a sanctified and holy part of their relationship, which can help religious individuals to focus on each other and marital unity rather than solely on themselves. 

The Expression of Sex Is Limited to Marriage 

In addition to describing the sanctity of sex, marital couples from the American Families of Faith project frequently addressed why waiting to have sex until after marriage can bless a relationship. For many, sex was defined as an expression of love that was only to be used within marriage. A member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints named Robert explained that the religious commandment of not having extramarital sex was not a constraint but freeing. He said, 

Waiting until you are married to have a sexual relationship with someone is something that [some of my fellow co-workers] consider very restricting. They think that they want to be free, they want to go out, party, and have a good time. [T]hey look at that, and they say, “Well, you have no freedom.” I look at it as it gives me a tremendous amount of freedom because I don’t have to worry about all the problems that go along with those things. I don’t have to worry about sexually transmitted diseases, I can enjoy the relationship that I have with my wife, and know that she feels the same way about me. To me, that gives me a tremendous amount of freedom. [R]ules that we choose to live by aren’t restrict[ive], they give us freedom. 

A wife from the Church of Jesus Christ named Michelle explained, 

We believe that committing adultery is wrong, [and] that having sex outside of marriage is breaking that commandment. The concept of total chastity before marriage seems like the greatest sacrifice [to some, but] I don’t feel that that is a sacrifice. I feel that’s a way of ensuring further blessings for my life.

Many interviewed couples perceived that they gained more religious and relational blessings from God because of their commitment to not having sex before marriage. This perspective reportedly allowed marital sex to be viewed not only as a divine gift, but also as a sacred trust from marital partners to each other, consistent with the Apostle Paul’s teaching, “The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife” (1 Corinthians 7:4). Like this scripture suggests, couples viewed married sex as a holy sharing of their bodies and sacred selves with one another.

Sex Has a Strengthening Power within Marriage

Many married couples we interviewed expressed that one notable aspect of sex is the power that it has to bond a wife and husband. An Orthodox Jewish couple named Ruth and Saul said, 

Ruth: One thing [our sexual relationship] does is promote a lot of cooperation between a husband and wife. 

Saul: [T]his can be an occasion and an area that probably a lot of couples don’t talk too much about. [But in Orthodox Judaism] you are required to arrange things that otherwise don’t necessarily have to be arranged.

Ruth and Saul felt that patterns created by religious laws surrounding sex united them, brought them together, and helped them to cooperate. Deborah, a Conservative Jewish wife, further explained that sex helps a married couple develop Godly characteristics. She said, 

[Our marriage is] a marriage between the male and the female aspects of godliness—the male aspect being considered the giving, and the female the receiving, for obvious symbolic anatomical reasons. The male aspect of God [is] the aspect of God which is beyond comprehension, beyond the confines of any kind of physicality or humanity. 

For Deborah and others whom we interviewed, the process of learning how to give and receive love fosters growth between a wife and husband. Many other participants reported having more unity and synergy in their marriage as they approached sex as both sacred and empowering.

Sex Is for Procreation

Without specifically being asked questions about sexuality, a quarter of our sample shared with us that procreation is a vitally important part, but not the sole purpose of sex. A Muslim husband named Kamal said, 

My understanding is that Allah, the Creator, has created us to [both] worship and [procreate]. Family life is a unit to protect people; it’s a protection, actually, for men and women, in their everyday life. And it’s a unit of support. So basically, procreation is worship. 

Like Kamal, some participants shared the view that sex with the purpose of creating life made it especially meaningful, making procreation a form of connection with the divine. Patrick, a Catholic husband, similarly said, 

I don’t think that the Catholic religion supports thoughtless procreation. I think God is calling you and me to [engage in] responsible co-creation, and that means you can’t … heedlessly procreate. Now you ask, what kind of Catholics are we? We’re not a Catholic family [that has] babies, babies, babies. That, to me, is a [far] too fundamentalist reading of a Biblical passage. But [we have tried not to go] where I think many Catholics have gone, and that is 1.2 children and my house, my vacation, my, my, my. [Some people] have opted for methods that effectively demean human life and close people off so that they’re not as generous, that they’re not as creative as they could be in a way. And that’s [sad] to me. 

Patrick emphasized that “thoughtless procreation” is not a healthy practice and can demean the beauty of sex. A Jewish wife and husband, Barbara and David, similarly said, 

Barbara: Well, [in the Torah] there was rule number one: “Make more.”

David: “Be fruitful and multiply.”

Barbara: Yeah.

David: It’s a commandment which is incumbent upon men: To have children. 

“Making more” applies to procreation but also to making more love, connection, and unity that empower the couple to face challenges that arise within any close relationship. Sex not only “replenishes” by creating children, but it replenishes the individual and couple in ways that create energy and meaning in their relationship.

These participants in exemplary marriages voluntarily shared their views on sex, and also recognized that there were multiple layers to having a healthy marital sexual relationship. Their wisdom included the repeated view that, as important as sex is in marriage, it was one of many essential elements.

Sex Is Only One Component of a Strong Marriage 

A theme spontaneously mentioned by 22 diverse couples was that “marriage is far more than just sex.” One Catholic husband and father named Ryan stated, 

I try and teach [my boys that] love is a choice, and God chose to love us. And it’s not fireworks; it’s not [just] sex [all the time]. It’s not. [L]ove is a choice. You know, we chose each other, and God chose us for each other. And then you stick to that choice. 

A Black Christian husband named Grant said, 

Finding a mate involves a lot of things: chemistry, sex appeal, charisma, common interests, and all those kinds of things, and they are all important. But for me, the strength in any marriage seems to be dependent upon the degree of commitment from both partners. My wife and I had that going in, and after 32 years, [we] still have it. We are committed to the institution, I think, even more than to one another. [I cherish] the experiences we’ve had with one another, and I can give credit and stability to that commitment, but the commitment was there at the outset.

Indeed, marriage as a commitment between wife, husband, and God seemed core to many participants’ views on sanctified sex. Indeed, one husband said of his wife, “She was committed to marriage long before she was committed to me.”

A Living Invitation from 8,000 Years of Marriage

From the reports of wives and husbands in the American Families of Faith project, we see that many of these wives and husbands reported: 

(1) Religion can do damage through negative messages or through enabling avoidance of healthy communication about sex. 

(2) Sex can create an “elevated purpose to marriage,” and many viewed sex as a “gift” from God. 

(3) Based on religious beliefs, many viewed sex as an expression of love that was restricted to the bounds of marriage, but saw this commandment as a sacred protection. 

(4) There is more unity and synergy in marriage when sex is approached as both sacred and empowering.

(5) Procreation is a vitally important part, but not the sole purpose, of sex, and 

(6) As important as sex is in marriage, it is one of many needed components—including a commitment to each other, marriage itself, and (for these couples) a commitment to the commandments and teachings of God, who supports them in marriage.

We acknowledge that these attitudes in the American Families of Faith participants are not typical in contemporary culture. However, our aim for 25 years has not been to explore the trendy or typical but to discover what underlies the exemplary and extraordinary marriages in America. We now know a little more and have their “lived invitation” to apply what these religious wives and husbands, who have about 8,000 years of combined marital experience, offer for our careful consideration.

The post Religion and Sexuality: Reframing Intimacy as Sacred appeared first on Public Square Magazine.

A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away, an infamous father named Vader ironically quipped, “I find your lack of faith disturbing.” 

Irony and fiction aside, many present-day parents continue to find their children’s lack of faith not only disturbing but heartbreaking. Such heartbreak, however, is becoming normative. National data indicate that almost half (44%) of Americans have left the religious affiliation of their childhood. Additionally, 78% of those who identified themselves as religiously unaffiliated (a.k.a. “Nones”) reported that they were raised in religious families. 

Many members of devout faith ask, What can we do to slow this religious exodus? 

Many who view religion as unimportant or even harmful may think, Why even try? Good riddance to religion. 

Indeed, both camps have a leg upon which to stand. Religion can both help and harm—a dualistic reality documented by several of our own recent studies. While emotion can run high around religion, both medical and social science (including the branches of psychology, family studies, and sociology) provide scores of studies indicating that religiosity tends to correlate with positive youth development via beneficial outcomes like moral development, lower engagement in high-risk behaviors, better parent-child relationships, and clear identity formation.

Adolescence, however, is not the end. Benefits correlated with religiosity appear to not only continue but expand during early, mid, and later adulthood. 

Given that religion can be a potent force for good—or bad—it is vitally important to understand the differences between healthy, “generative devotion” and “destructive faith.”

When religion is lived out well, much good tends to come. Across three editions of the Handbook of Religion and Health (2001, 2012, and 2024), Harold Koenig and colleagues have systematically reviewed a combined total of more than 3,000 studies. In summary, health outcomes associated with high religious involvement are extensive and include (1) higher levels of mental health and positive coping, (2) lower rates of cancer and heart disease, and (3) significantly greater longevity and quality of life. The wise reader is aware that “correlation is not necessarily causation,” but as the related body of studies has climbed from hundreds to thousands, the case for correlation between high religious involvement and various aspects of health has been firmly established.    

A fourth benefit involves a more stable and satisfying marriage when a faith is actively shared.

It seems that most parents (religious or not) would desire this array of benefits for their own children. Yet, it is not merely the physical and mental health concerns that haunt the religious parent whose child is “done” with religion. For many religious parents of children who have exited, it is the relational concerns that weigh heaviest. Relationships with family, relationships with God … what will become of these?

Our future as researchers will be spent trying to find answers to these difficult problems and helping families to best navigate the related tensions and challenges in optimal ways. However, our past three decades have been spent interviewing exemplary parents of faith, to learn about their lessons learned and “best practices” as their children and youth were growing up. We will discuss five different important concepts shared with us by these parents and youth.

Concept 1: Youth-Centered Conversations

In our in-depth interviews with strong families, we learned that religious conversations between parents and their children often yielded two specific outcomes. One resulted in positive youth development, and the other resulted in frustration for the youth. The youth in our study identified that when their parents lectured them about religion, they felt resistant and closed off. When youth were allowed to direct the conversations, these youth-centered dialogues resulted in them feeling more involved and more comfortable sharing their deeper thoughts, reflections, and concerns with their parents. Key parts of youth-centered conversations included: 

1. Youth talk more, and parents listen more … and lecture less.

2. Youth seek and receive understanding from parents.

3. Religion is authentically related and connected to the youth’s life.

4. Open and consistent conversations between parent and child take place.

5. Parent-youth interaction nurtures their shared relationship.

Key implications from these findings are that most youth want and need to be involved in meaningful religious conversations with their parents and other family members. This means that parents need to listen more and preach less. A 13-year-old Orthodox Christian son, Kenny, said, “Sometimes my parents don’t know the answer, so then it’s … a discussion because they don’t have the answer to give me.” Do not be afraid as a parent to broach subjects that you may not have all the answers to; help your child to grow through discussion. 

Jack, an 18-year-old Baptist son, said that the parents of some of his friends neglected youth-centered conversation in order to share their own faith, 

I’ve seen some of my friends … where parents are slamming Bible verses in their face, and really not loving them, not helping them grow. It’s more like a forceful thing, at unnecessary times, when it really would have been helpful just for them to sit down and talk with their kids.

Concept 2: Anchors of Religious Commitment 

One of our American Families of Faith studies focused on what adolescents feel “anchored” to most in religion. Commitments discussed by youth included God, their family’s faith tradition, their parents, scripture and other sacred texts, and religious leaders. All of these commitments in a youth’s life reportedly served as anchors that enhanced their spirituality and helped them to define their identity. 

One recurring anchor was religious traditions, rituals, and laws. One 10-year-old Jewish daughter named Hannah said, 

I like Hanukkah. … [I]t’s just, it’s fun to be able to light your own menorah and to invite friends over to come do it with you. … Purim is fun because you get to dress up, and Pesach [Passover] is fun because the whole family’s there and all that sort of stuff.

As parents, it can be helpful to listen and learn what our child’s most meaningful anchors are. We are then better able to support them in their efforts to deepen, strengthen, and find meaning through these connections to both family and faith.

Concept 3: Religious Exploration

 Adolescence is a time of exploration. It can be frightening to a devout parent to have their child begin to question or doubt their faith—or attend services with friends of other faiths. However, sincere questioning, searching for deeper truth, and exploring the religious worlds of others are all sacred activities in their own way. It is vital that youth are able to explore because these experiences are important for identity formation. 

Growth and transitions, including normal development and maturation, graduating from high school, and leaving home for the first time, all tend to lead adolescents to experiment with their faith. While challenging for youth and parents, such events are normative. 

An 18-year-old Baptist son named Jake spoke of how leaving home and learning new things challenged and affected his thinking. He said, “This year … entering the University… and applying to be a philosophy major, lots of questions come up. I keep having to ask myself, ‘What do I really believe? What do I believe about this?’”

During religious exploration, parents can encourage their youth to: (1) ask questions and have religious conversations, (2) ponder and self-reflect, (3) seek to have meaningful personal experiences, (4) observe and learn from the experiences of others, and (5) ask for advice or guidance. 

Adults need to be aware that giving youth needed space is healthy, but parents also need to be a support while youth are exploring their faith. This could look like assisting youth to hold to their core beliefs while also seeking for answers and insights related to religious and existential questions. Parents can also encourage youth to connect with religious leaders and to maintain supportive relationships with family members.

Concept 4:  Firmness and Flexibility 

Parents need to learn to exercise and balance both religious firmness and flexibility when trying to pass on their faith to their children. Efforts to do both can be challenging. 

A firmness will be needed to demonstrate the importance of religious practices. One African American Baptist father voiced that, “There are Sundays when [the kids] don’t want to go, [but still] I said, ‘We have to, you have to go to church.’ I mean, that’s just a practice of this family.” On the other hand, it is also important to have flexibility in these family practices. Abigail, a Reform Jewish mother, shared a contrasting experience; she stated, “[B]ecause we’re tired on Friday night, we don’t go to synagogue as much as we want to. And, because of other time commitments, there’s just never enough time to do as much as maybe we should for the Jewish community.”

An example of combining both firmness and flexibility in religious practices comes from Banafsha, a Muslim mother, who shared her family experience with prayer: “We don’t want to delay the prayer of anybody. If they are studying, they can pray in their room and keep studying [and] not wait for the other ones … we didn’t want to make it hard for anybody.”

It is also important to demonstrate firmness and flexibility in religious beliefs. A Muslim father describes the rigidity in their beliefs that occur, “If it is something that has already been prescribed religiously, then there is no discussion.” Being flexible in religious beliefs can also benefit children to feel more comfortable in discussing why certain beliefs exist. An example of flexibility comes from a Jewish mother who shares her opinion on gender worship:

I have a problem with gender roles [in] religion in general, so I ignore them. I don’t abide by them. … Like in Orthodox [Judaism], … I don’t agree with the idea of having women and men separated during ceremonies. Women are not allowed on the bimah [podium from which Torah is read], and you can’t listen to a woman’s solo voice [in synagogue], and I just don’t believe in that. 

Flexibility in beliefs and religious practices can help a child to be more accepting. Parents who desire their child’s spiritual development to continue to positively grow would be wise to engage with their youth in ways that respect their choices, their interests, their circumstances, and their daily schedules. It is also equally important to maintain firm beliefs of religious convictions when appropriate.

Concept 5: Striving to Teach by Positive Example (The Principle of Lived Invitation)

Many of the parents we have interviewed emphasized the vital nature of being an example, being authentic, and being consistent. A Conservative Jewish mother talked about authenticity and said,

I presented to [our children] an ever-expanding view of Judaism and that I was always honest about my anger with the religion, anger with the Rabbis, my own distress about the religion. [I wanted them to know] that whatever I chose to give them from the more Orthodox approach was something that I really believed in.”

This mother understood how to be authentic with her beliefs with her children. 

One parent, a United Church of Christ father, did not talk about “lecturing” his children but spoke at length about being present in his children’s lives, noting that, “I think a lot of it is just being there and spending time with my children, and listening to them and playing with them. Challenging them to do better.”

Some parents we have interviewed emphasized “practicing” so heavily that “preaching” was downplayed as almost unnecessary.  Angie, a Muslim mother of two, said,

In terms of religion, it doesn’t matter how much the father talks to the children [about religion]; the children will learn from what the father does. … If my children see my husband go to the Mosque every night for prayer [which he does] he is setting an example. I don’t have to “teach” it. They are seeing it.

A Korean Christian father named Oui similarly reflected on striving for an exemplary religious life. He said,

If we can help my son be like Jesus Christ or close to Jesus Christ, what else can we worry about for our child? [But] I can’t really “teach” … we have to show him by what we do during our life. If we do very well for God and other people, then he will know what he has to do.

One of the most central concepts the exemplary families have discussed and modeled is what we have termed the principle of lived invitation. In summary, it is this: Our behavior is permission to others to behave similarly … but it is more than that. It is an invitation to do so.

Conclusion

Our hope for religious parents is that they feel more comfortable in helping their youth develop positively. Having youth-centered conversations can help adolescents to open up about their personal experiences and help you to understand the sacrifices that they make. Remember that adolescence is truly a time of spiritual exploration, and encourage youth to not doubt their faith while seeking answers to their questions. Parents can find the religious commitments that youth are excited to keep and show them how to deepen those beliefs and practices.

You, as a parent, can also focus on the priorities you have, whether that is being an example to your kids, or trying to have more flexibility in your current religious beliefs and practices. We acknowledge that your lack of faith in your ability to help your teen or young adult child develop lasting faith may not have been completely resolved, but we wish you the best. 

Notes:

American Families of Faith findings are from a total of about 400 parents from many diverse faith communities (from the three major branches of Judaism, both the Sunni and Shia branches of Islam, and about 15 Christian denominations,).

 Marks, L. D., & Dollahite, D. C. (2017). Religion and families. Routledge. (p. 14)

The post This is the Way: Helping Youth with Positive Religious Development appeared first on Public Square Magazine.

On their long, difficult, and sometimes discouraging journey far from the comforts of the Shire, Tolkien’s Samwise Gamgee told Frodo Baggins to remember the old stories: “Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back, only they didn’t. They kept going. Because they were holding on to something.” Those of us walking together on the long, difficult, and sometimes discouraging journey of faith may each ask ourselves the questions: “Why should we refuse to turn back?” or “How can we encourage others to continue the journey?”

For a devoted person of faith in a contemporary culture that tends to view such folks with mild derision if not contempt, it becomes clear that numerous sacrifices are required that are not typically expected of most people. Accordingly, members of society can reasonably pose questions about highly religious individuals who give both time and money for their faith. Two of the leading sociologists of religion, Rodney Stark and Roger Finke, have stated the biggest question of all regarding the highly religious: “Why do they do it?”

In this brief article, drawn from an in-depth study published in Psychology of Religion and Spirituality, entitled “Why Do the Devout Remain Devoted?” we will discuss the most common themes about the demands and costs of religion and note the explanations that highly religious participants offered regarding “why they do it.” 

As relational scholars interested in the ways religion and family relationships influence each other, we interviewed 198 racially diverse and religiously devoted families in the American Families of Faith project. Participants reportedly viewed the required costs of religion as “worth it” for various reasons, including the relational benefits they perceived as a result. Below we summarize some of those findings.

Research on Required Costs of Religion 

Many participants did not report the costs of religion as a sacrifice but tended to discuss their efforts to fulfill the expectations of their religion as something that they felt they should inherently do. For such persons, the “demands” imposed by religion were not burdensome loads to bear. Instead, these demands were often viewed as noble aspirations that participants wanted and that religion structurally outlined and then facilitated.  Three related themes involved: (a) marital expectations, (b) parent/child expectations, and (c) individual expectations. We will discuss each of these, along with illustrative participant quotes. 

Marital expectations included many participants reflecting on their firm desire to marry someone within their own religious denomination. A Conservative Jewish husband named Daniel talked about the importance of marriage within Judaism; he said, 

Being Jewish within a family of Jews was really important, and marrying Jewish was real important to me. I wanted to be married to someone who had as much in common with me as possible…. There’s a certain framework for life and marriage in Judaism. 

Other expectations consisted of conduct within the marital relationship. The meaning of marriage was expressed by a Christian husband named Mark, who said, “We believe that the marriage is created through vows. Vows are a covenant before God. Therefore, we have vowed before God that we would stay married.” For participants, such vows and covenants made were expected to be upheld and honored with fidelity, along with expectations to care for children born into the marriage. Yes, these are responsibilities … but they were welcomed ones.

Parent and child expectations, in most cases, consisted of the responsibility a parent felt to raise their children in the faith. Mahmoud, an Arab Shi’a Muslim father, expounded, “I think as parents, we should take care of the kids because there are rules that we have in our religion that parents are responsible to raise their kids [with] both morals and religion. It is [the parents’] responsibility.” 

Children in these families were also reportedly taught to follow the commandment to “Honor thy father and thy mother.” Jing, an Asian Christian husband, explained,

We br[ought] our kids to church and Sunday school. We read the Bible to them when they were young. This summer, my father was ill. I went back to China to take care of him. I have this responsibility to take care of my parents. Like the teachings in the Bible: “respect your parents” …. [My] children would learn and know how to treat their parents later. We should [always] respect our parents.

Religious expectations, however, are not only familial or marital. Individual expectations were often discussed in “shoulds” and “supposed to(s)” among participants. An Orthodox Jewish husband, Saul, said, 

[T]here’s a conduct you have to maintain, and there’s a modesty you have to maintain. And there’s ethics … this is how you are supposed to be, and you know in your heart and your mind that it really is G-d’s way; it’s the intended way. It’s the right way, that you’re doing the example, of living the example you are supposed to be.

In summary, some of the costs of religious devotion were alternately framed by devotees as lofty expectations or noble aims worthy of pursuit. Our research found that many religious individuals embrace these “expenses,” not as costs but as a pathway to a higher way of living and relating. 

Research on Relational Benefits from Religion

We will now further discuss reported motivations behind why some highly religious individuals desire to uphold these expectations. Relational compensators (or benefits) were the most apparent “blessing” that participants reported. The most frequently identified blessings from devotion included improvements in (a) family relationships, (b) their relationship with God, and (c) relationships in the faith community. Jocelyn, a Black Baptist wife and mother, said, 

[B]eing involved in church has strengthened my family [and] my marriage…. [T]he most important thing that [church] has done is helped us as a family and with our marital relationship, our raising of the children and bringing them, leading them, to Christ. There’s just no way that would have happened outside of a relationship in the church. 

A Christian father named Andy also talked about how his relationship with God provided him comfort and peace. He disclosed, 

I think … [our faith] provides a security blanket. You know that no matter what’s going on around you, there is some constant that’s there, and that’s God. You know that He’s never changing, and He’s going to be there. And we can bring all of our problems and cares to Him. And there is that foundation that … it’s unmovable. It’s not going to be shifted around with whatever is going on in the rest of the world. 

Many participants emphasized that their religious community provided deeply supportive relationships that they compared to extended “family.” Aaliyah, an Arab Muslim wife and mother, remarked how she viewed her faith community, 

That’s a special bond. You … feel like you are part of an extended family, [a] much bigger family … because when it comes down to [it], when we have a death in the family [or] somebody gives birth, they come together. They come and visit you. They’ll come and cook for you, that support is there…. With the community, when you are involved in the community, and you participate, and when you are in a time of need, then they come to you and give you that support. 

Not only did participants receive these benefits, but they also reported providing these benefits to others inside and outside their families. A Catholic husband and father named Malcolm illustrated this point beautifully, 

We have a motto in our community, “Make a friend, be a friend, bring a friend to [Christ].” And if you open yourself up and you are aware, and you try to be there when somebody needs help, then usually it does start friendship, and it usually grows. 

Many participants felt that when they chose to serve in their faith community, they were more than equally reimbursed for their time and effort in new or fortified relationships. Timothy, a nondenominational Christian, said, “We need each other to bless each other and build each other up and encourage each other and support each other and teach each other and all that stuff…. The unity, that’s what [God] wants.” Timothy’s reflection illustrates the Christian ideal that “Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.”

Again, a sense of increased unity with family, God, and the faith community reportedly strengthened many study participants in ways that were found to be worth the sacrifice of religious “costs.” 

Expectations and Benefits Build Each Other

One complex finding from our study leads us to believe that both religious expectations (costs) and relational compensators (benefits) do not function alone, but in tandem. Specifically, many religious demands or expectations also allegedly served as relationship strengtheners and fortifiers. Tucker, a father and husband from The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, offered examples of expectations that lead to relational benefits. He stated, 

Whether it be keeping our [religion’s] “Word of Wisdom” which [tells us to] avoid alcoholic drinks and tobacco, [harmful drugs], coffee, tea, etc., [or] whether it be in [paying] tithing and keeping the Sabbath day holy and all these principles that are [not in line with mainstream] culture, you have to make some pretty serious commitments in order to be an active Latter-day Saint. [But] as a result of those commitments … you can go anywhere in the world as a Latter-day Saint and go into a congregation, and you will be welcomed as a family member, a long-lost family member. Someone will put their arm around you and welcome you.

For Tucker, the difficult demands and “pretty serious commitments” of his faith seem to be the dues to a cherished community that serves as a “family.”

A Seventh-day Adventist wife, Carmen, talked about her purpose in life and articulated, “You’re not here for yourself. You’re here to do, to live your life for God’s service and for other people.” Carmen struck a chord that related to the experience of the other families of faith. Many participants reportedly felt how the weighty expectation of providing service and support to others was directly correlated to the benefits that they witnessed in their own lives. 

One father we interviewed allowed us to step onto his sacred ground by discussing his beloved daughter Megan who had passed away at age six following an extended battle with leukemia. Her father recalled:

[My wife and I] went to give blood at a blood drive [at our church], and our [Bishop] was there giving blood. He’d visited Megan in the hospital a couple of times and prayed with her. … Megan went over and held his hand while he had that blood drawn, because she knew what it was like to have needles poked in your skin, and she felt for him. She couldn’t do much, but she could hold his hand, and she did that. The impact that has on me just tells me that a little bit of loving concern for others goes a long way, not just in the life of either person in the interaction but in the people who see that. It makes you want to go forth and do likewise. 

Like this father, inspired by his daughter, many American Families of Faith participants did not see service solely as a burden but rather as a source of meaning. Indeed, many reportedly viewed these religious expectations of serving others through giving money, time, and energy as an effective avenue to give blessings to others and also to themselves. We are reminded of the words of Dorothy Dix, “Make no mistake about it, responsibilities toward other human beings are the greatest blessings God can send us.”

Tolkien’s wizard Gandalf said, “Some believe it is only great power that can hold evil in check. But that is not what I’ve found. I found it is the small things. Everyday deeds by ordinary folk that keeps the darkness at bay.” These “small things” and “deeds” of service seem to have helped many of the highly religious individuals we interviewed to find deeper purpose. 

Conclusion

In closing, we return to Stark and Finke’s burning question about the highly devoted: “Why do they do it?” From some participants, enriched relationships with family, God, and their faith community were seen as compensators or blessings that were well worth the sacrifice, the trouble, the labors of the journey, and the “fight” with the world. Such persons and families, like Samwise Gamgee, believe “that there’s some good in this world, Mr. Frodo. And it’s worth fighting for.”

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