Article 2 of 12 of Peacemaking Series: To read article #1
The Nuances of Emotional Control
It can be easy to vilify an emotional response in an argument––especially anger––but if we can learn anything from Star Trek’s Spock, emotions are not a weakness. It is difficult to know which happens first, thoughts or emotions. There are different models arguing for both sides of the debate, and this article does not promote one side or the other. Functionally, it is effectively impossible to separate or isolate any interaction into its purely emotional or logical aspects. Like Spock, peacemaking wisdom would teach us to recognize an argument holistically as both emotional and logical. Once an emotional response has taken hold in an argument, it needs to be addressed. Emotions are not a weakness.
This episode portrays an extremely relatable scenario. Two people are in a verbal conflict, and a volcano of boiling anger rises within one of them. The episode then depicts an analogy. As the adrenaline response takes hold of the angered person, it sends a super fast hare with a message to ‘fight, fly, or freeze.’ Taking a few deep breaths controls the internal emotional situation and gives enough time for the tortoise––sent from the rational part of the brain––with a more thoughtful message to arrive, which says, ‘Getting mad at this person isn’t going to help.’
Just like Glinda, we don’t justify ‘flying off the handle.’ But too often, messages like ‘take a deep breath’ or ‘calm down’ are used in an argument as emotionally manipulative or dismissive pieces of advice. It is as if someone feeling strong emotions automatically ‘makes’ them or their argument incapable of being rational, which isn’t true. And while it may seem like emotion and logic are opposites, in reality, a rational conversation isn’t the opposite of an emotional or––perhaps more accurately––an emotionally sensitive conversation. So while we agree Elphaba is justified in her anger, letting strong emotions take over the conversation becomes as equally unproductive as ignoring them. So please feel assured when we say, ‘take a deep breath,’ we don’t mean it dismissively; we mean it constructively . . . and literally.
The Deep Breath Technique
Taking slow deep breaths in emotionally charged environments (e.g. awkwardness, anxiety, pain, anger, sadness) has massive benefits. Taking a deep breath can;
- Increase your personal supply of oxygen, encouraging better physical and brain function, including mental and visual acuity
- Suppress undesired symptoms of an adrenaline response like rapid heart rate, limb stiffness, or restlessness
- Slow the verbal response time and pace within an argument into a more thoughtful rhythm giving both sides more time to consider the situation, and their own behavior and combat emotional flooding
- In some circumstances, this activates a mirror neuron response––the same response that makes yawns ‘contagious’. Your deep breathing may encourage those present to take a deep breath, granting them all the same positive benefits without you having to tell them to slow down, calm down, or take a deep breath.
While the benefits of deep breath matter, it is also important to notice the limitations of such an exercise. They are not guaranteed to:
- Change your emotion
- Change the emotions of others
- Solve the central conflict
The Deep Breath Technique is not a magic pill. All of our solutions will have limitations and require consideration in their application. In emotionally charged environments, remove the expectation from yourself and others that emotional control techniques are a method for completely sedating or getting rid of negative or strong emotions. Emotional control, like a muscle, gets stronger and more effective with repeat attempts. And no matter how long, deep, or repeated, taking deep breaths will not erase your emotions or resolve the central problem. The purpose of the Deep Breath technique is to increase personal emotional control as you seek to resolve the central conflict of the circumstance.
Why Should We Avoid Behaving Out of Anger?
All episodes in this series are inspired by principles in President Nelson’s call Peacemakers Needed. This episode proposes the Deep Breathing Technique as a first step solution for increasing personal emotional control when trying to follow President Nelson’s counsel to end hostile confrontations.
Anger never persuades. Hostility builds no one. Contention never leads to inspired solutions. Regrettably, we sometimes see contentious behavior even within our own ranks. We hear of those who belittle their spouses and children, of those who use angry outbursts to control others, and of those who punish family members with the “silent treatment.” We hear of youth and children who bully and of employees who defame their colleagues. . . this should not be. As disciples of Jesus Christ, we are to be examples of how to interact with others—especially when we have differences of opinion. One of the easiest ways to identify a true follower of Jesus Christ is how compassionately that person treats other people. . . The Savior’s message is clear: His true disciples build, lift, encourage, persuade, and inspire—no matter how difficult the situation.
If you consistently find yourself or feel guilty about having used anger in the past, the solution is simple: repent and change. Shake the devil off your back and start living the less angry life you want for yourself and those who live around you. Elder Boyd K. Packer explained, ‘True doctrine, understood, changes attitudes and behavior. The study of the doctrines of the gospel will improve behavior quicker than a study of behavior will improve behavior.’ Ponder President Nelson’s words and change your life now by using the Topical Guide and Bible Dictionary to study scriptures about Anger, Gentleness, Meekness, Kindness, and Charity.
What Scripture Says About Anger
If you’re still not convinced, consider some of the following statements from scripture:
Be not hasty in thy spirit to be angry: for anger resteth in the bosom of fools, (Eccl. 7:9)
Make no friendship with an angry man; and with a furious man thou shalt not go, (Proverbs 22:24)
The slow to anger is better than the mighty, (Prov. 16:32)
Thy gentleness hath made me great, (2 Sam. 22:36)
Whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, do ye, (Matt. 7:12) (3 Ne. 14:12)
Be ye kind one to another, (Eph. 4:32)
Love one another, as I have loved you, (John 15:12)
No better dissertations could be discovered on motivational appropriate conflict management than Christ’s Sermon on the Mount in Matthew 5, His final counsel with His apostles the night before His suffering in Gethsemane and Crucifixion in John 13-17, or His counsel to the Prophet Joseph Smith while imprisoned in Liberty Jail in The Doctrine and Covenants 121: 33-46––
[Power or influence ought to be maintained] only by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned; by kindness, and pure knowledge . . . without hypocrisy, and without guile . . . then shall thy confidence wax strong in the presence of God . . . The Holy Ghost shall be thy constant companion, and thy scepter an unchanging scepter of righteousness and truth; and thy dominion shall be an everlasting dominion, and without compulsory means, it shall flow unto thee forever and ever.
One might justify inappropriate behavior as “reproving betimes with sharpness,” but they would be deceiving themselves and others. President Faust makes it very clear in his experience “The Holy Ghost moves to reprove with sharpness only very rarely.” And, “any reproving should be done gently in an effort to convince the one being reproved that it is done in his own interest.” Another excellent Church resource clarifies appropriate synonyms for the words reproving, betimes, and sharpness.
| Reproving | – | scolding or correcting gently; expressing disapproval. |
| Betimes | – | speedily, early, before it is too late. |
| Sharpness | – | clarity. |
And let’s not forget, even after ‘correcting gently before it is too late with clarity’ as prompted by the Spirit, the same scripture instructs to ‘then [show] forth afterward an increase of love toward him whom thou hast reproved.’ If reproachful instruction can’t end with sincere or unfeigned expressions of love on both sides, it’s being done wrong. Because, ‘he that preacheth and he that receiveth [by the Spirit of Truth], understand one another, and both are edified and rejoice together . . . that which doth not edify is not of God’ (D&C 50: 22-23).
Consider a More Utilitarian Perspective
It seems like a tall order to create the sort of conversation described above, but consider this. Utilitarian Philosophy focuses on promoting behavior that maximizes the benefits of everyone involved versus doing what may seem obvious or attractive. As an example, if I were the manager of an underperforming employee and my interactions with this employee were often laden with awkwardness, then it would seem attractive to either fire this employee and find a new one or just ignore them entirely. It may also seem obvious to pull this employee aside and discuss ‘strategies’ for improving their weakest performance indicators. But are these the most effective ways of maximizing benefits for everyone involved? Emotional control, like a muscle, gets stronger and more effective with repeat attempts.
As another example, yelling at or threatening children into obedience may seem obviously effective, especially if the two of you have a hard time understanding each other. Or, placating unruliness or abdicating appropriate discipline for a child’s disobedience may seem attractive. But are these the most effective ways of maximizing benefits for you, the child, and your relationship? Such behaviors lead to prolonged tension within family relationships and children who grow into adults without emotional resilience. An incredible and highly enjoyable read, Leadership and Self Deception promotes strategies that are just as effective in the home environment as they are in a business environment. Spoiler Alert! People respond the same at home, work, or school; everyone needs accountability to grow, and no one responds well to anger or shame. Everyone needs accountability to grow, and no one responds well to anger or shame.
- What do I really want?
- What is the most helpful thing I could do?
If you really want the current conflict to become productive, don’t just default to the attractive or obvious. Spock’s unique advantage is his holistic incorporation of human emotion with Vulcan logic. Elphaba’s magical power is harnessed by the control of her emotional impulses. Whether a crew member of the USS Enterprise or magicking spells from the Gimmerie, gaining the power to defy gravity and go where none have gone before comes by harnessing passion; both are liberated in flight according to their emotional mastery.
What’s to Come?
The first three videos of this series lay foundations by exploring the internal state of a person in an argument. In our first episode, we focused on building the motivation to become a peacemaker and accepting personal responsibility. In this article’s episode, we’ve explored emotional control and particularly controlling anger. In the next episode, Freudian and Jungian psychology will help us take a trip inward to reflect on the word conflict itself. The episodes after that will explore a variety of interpersonal communication and problem-solving techniques for conducting and analyzing conflicts toward positive resolutions. We hope you join us for the journey.
