As any marketer knows, word choice is crucial. So, when promoters were planning a pitch that would oust abstinence-focused sex ed, they came up with a brilliant idea. Rather than being upfront with the moral and political choices they embedded into the curriculum, they opted to avoid moralistic language and simply called their approach “comprehensive sex education.”
The word choice was clever, for who could be against a “comprehensive” approach? The framing divides curriculum choices across the country into categories of “haves” and “have nots,” and it doesn’t take any imagination to know what side you should be on. It was truly a smart move for the comprehensive sex ed team. Your children are likely missing out on some of the critical facts they deserve to know.
The truth is, regardless of what type of sex ed your school advocates, your children are likely missing out on some of the critical facts they deserve to know. And the research is clear—whether you hope your child will embrace abstinence until they reach adulthood or you anticipate a sexually active but healthy teenager—the more information you give them, the more likely you are to achieve your goals.
So, what should kids know when it comes to sex? It’s important that parents be consciously reflective of their own ideas in conjunction with their own environments, values, and children. But here are some facts that teenagers deserve to know as part of a truly comprehensive sexual education.
Abstinence is the Default
First and foremost, kids deserve to know that not everyone is doing it. While it may be hard to believe, partnered teen sex has plummeted in the last few decades, with 62% of high schoolers claiming their virginity is intact. Your child may not hear from their fellow teen virgins, but they can rest assured that a large number of them exist. And those non-virgins? The majority of them wish they had waited. Overall, despite what teens may be saying to their friends, less than one-third of them report being sexually active on confidential surveys.
Sex is Emotional
Your child may know about sex hormones like testosterone, estrogen, or progesterone, but it’s oxytocin that throws a wrench in the casual sex playground. As sex elicits the release of oxytocin, people feel (or want to feel) an emotional connection—an element inherently lacking in noncommittal relationships. This may be one reason casual sex (like one-night stands and “friends with benefits”) and individual sex (like masturbation and pornography use) can lead to conflicted feelings, loneliness, or depression. A long-term, committed relationship offers the best chance for positive sexual experiences.
Teenage Abstinence Correlates with Happier Marriages
Most teenagers say they hope to be married someday. They deserve to know that earlier sexual debuts and more previous sexual partners predict lower happiness in marriage. So does premarital cohabitation—even if you cohabit with the partner you eventually marry. In fact, couples who wait until after they are married to have sex with each other are more likely to be happy in their relationship, and married people are more likely to be happy with their sex lives. Of course, these are only general trends, but if kids want to improve their chances of a happy marriage later on, they deserve to know.
Casual Sex is Worse for Girls
When it comes to sex outside of a long-term, committed adult relationship, girls should know they often get the raw end of the deal. Women are more sexually complicated than men. During sexual debuts and casual sex, men are much more likely than women to reach a climax or even have an enjoyable experience. A woman’s first negative sexual experience in the back seat of a car can have a lasting impact on how she thinks about sex. Because men and women both tend to prioritize the man’s pleasure during casual sex, for women, a long-term, committed relationship offers the best chance for positive sexual experiences.
Watching Porn Makes Sex Worse
Healthy sexuality requires some self-confidence, realistic expectations, and desire for intimacy. Our kids are swimming in a sea of sexualized media content, and they deserve to know that taking our sexual cues from the media can create unhealthy and unrealistic expectations about normal bodies, increasing the likelihood of body shame, low self-esteem, eating disorders, and depression. Those unrealistic expectations also make sexual experience a much more difficult arena because real women and men don’t look, respond, or behave like the scripted actors in the media. While it may seem counterintuitive to some, researchers have found that viewing pornographic material makes relationships more difficult to navigate, and kids deserve to know.
Sex has Dangers
All fear tactics aside, kids deserve to know the dangers of sex are real. Sexually transmitted diseases infect 26 million people in the US, with nearly half of those being young people under the age of 25. Kids should know that STDs can cause life-long issues, that abstinence (by both partners) is the only sure way to protect oneself, and that 100% condom use reduces the chance of infection by 30% (for genital herpes) to 80% (for HIV), and inconsistent or incorrect condom use makes the chance of infection impossible to predict. And they should know that, just like with COVID tests, a negative result does not guarantee the absence of disease. Teens may still choose to take risks, but at least they won’t be able to say no one gave them the stats.
The Accepted Wisdom on LGBT+ Has Changed
Regarding LGBT+ issues, kids deserve to know that the “born that way” conversation has now become “things change.” In long-term studies, from 25% to 65% of women and men who originally identified as non-heterosexual report changes in their sexual orientation. Even some people who have medically transitioned to another gender later detransition, wishing they never had surgery. Your child deserves to know that having a sexual thought about a person of the same sex does not mean they need to embrace a different sexual identity and that being uncomfortable in their body may be a passing phenomenon. In fact, for most people, it is. Kids deserve to know that waiting to make life-altering decisions can be a viable option. Things change.
Sex Has Moral Implications
Kids hear from just about every corner of their world—possibly including their sex ed teacher—that sex is a right to be claimed and an open world to be explored without any restraint except the ever-present standard of consent. Yes, sexual feelings are healthy, but consent is a bar set way too low, easily coexisting with manipulation, self-centeredness, trickery, use, and abuse. For obvious reasons, those do not lead to happier teens. Instead, lower sexual restraint can lead to psychological distress and fewer chances of relational success. Your child deserves to know that saving sexual experiences for relationships that promise love, compassion, connection, and support is the most likely route to sexual fulfillment—and an important step toward a rewarding life. Kids deserve to know that waiting to make life-altering decisions can be a viable option.
