“God has created love and mercy between you.” — Quran, Surah Ar-Rum (30:21). This verse reflects the belief that love and compassion are divine gifts essential to a strong marriage. Couples who recognize God’s influence often find their bond deepened through faith and mutual respect. The American Families of Faith project’s mission is to explore the nexus of faith and family life. This essay focuses on the interplay between faith and marriage by delving into the perceptions and experiences of 32 highly religious couples (Christian, Jewish, and Muslim) regarding the role of God in their marriages. The research on which this essay is based was originally published in the Review of Religious Research.
Central to this study are two key research questions: 1) do highly religious couples perceive God to be active in their marriage? 2) if so, to what extent and specifically how do couples perceive God to be active in their relationships? By addressing these questions, the original study sought to shed light on the nuanced ways in which religious beliefs and divine intervention influence the perceptions and experiences of couples in their marital journey.
Perceptions of God’s Purpose for Marriage
Most, but not all, of the highly religious couples interviewed believed that marriage was created by God and that marriage fulfilled God’s purposes. Participants shared their views that God’s purpose for marriage affected them personally, relationally, and spiritually.
The belief that God designed marriage to bring personal fulfillment and happiness in their lives was expressed by a number of the couples. Angela, a Catholic wife, explained, “I think God’s purposes for marriage would include finding fulfillment in life, happiness in life, and completion.” Others shared that personal growth and improvement were part of God’s purposes in marriage. Dustin, an Episcopalian husband, said, “Marriage is probably part of not being as self-centered and not just thinking of yourself and deciding to share things with people, be flexible.” All spoke of drawing nearer to God through marriage.
Increased spiritual strength through marriage was another purpose spoken of by many participants. Christian, Jewish, and Muslim husbands and wives all spoke of drawing nearer to God through marriage, but the Jewish wives emphasized this point most prominently. Hannah, a Jewish wife, shared the idea of sanctification and increased spirituality through everyday processes and experiences, including marriage. She said:
G-d’s purposes, in general, are to have human beings create holiness in the world … in every aspect of their living. So, Jews eat kosher food to make their food holy. We keep Shabbat to make time holy. Put up mezuzahs to make their spaces holy. And relationships between men and women also have to be holy.
Marriage was often viewed from a religious and spiritual perspective by many of the wives and husbands interviewed. In all aspects of life, whether personal, relational, or spiritual, the participants often thought of marriage as a part of God’s plan for life on earth. This view of marriage helped create an environment in which there is sensitivity to God at work in one’s marriage.
Perceived Divine Intervention — Indirect and Direct
Many couples noted that God influenced their marriage in both indirect and direct ways. The primary system through which husbands and wives observed God indirectly influence their marriage was through theology or doctrinal beliefs. Morality, culture, teachings, and sacred texts were examples of beliefs and God’s indirect guidance. Martha, a Lutheran wife, stated:
I guess for me, I don’t think of my relationship with God as being directly influencing. It more has to do with … because of my faith, you know, I am a certain way, and I have a certain way … of viewing life.
Dalia, a Jewish wife, said that the Torah, rather than God, was the primary influence guiding her life and marriage: “G-d … might seem abstract even if you have a very clear relationship, but G-d gave the Jewish people Torah, and Torah tells us how to live and how to treat your spouse.”
God’s indirect involvement through interactions with other people was a commonly mentioned experience. Abby, a Congregationalist wife, stated, “We experience God through others; we experience God through the community.” Malinda, a Pentecostal wife, related the experience of another couple who ministered to them, drawing them closer to God. She explained, “It was obviously God knocking on our hearts [blessing us through them].”
Couples perceived God’s direct involvement in their marriages in various ways. These ways can be categorized into two major groups: divine involvement by being and divine involvement by doing. “Divine involvement by being included God’s (a) being an example (b) being a source of accountability (perceived eternal consequences for sin), and (c) being a resource (providing strength and guidance).” Numerous wives and husbands mentioned their efforts to emulate God’s example in their everyday lives. Following God’s example in their daily lives seemed to be a more direct route to connecting with God than being influenced through theology or doctrine. Brent, a Jehovah’s Witness husband, shared:
It’s the goal toward which I know that I should be striving, is to try to imitate the example that Jesus set. And when, you know, when I fall short, I’m aware of it. And I know I need to make corrections in my thinking or whatever. So that’s a powerful thing.
Multiple participants mentioned feeling accountable to God for their actions. This sense of accountability served as a motivation for both individuals and couples to initiate change. Shawn and Emily, a Baptist couple, shared that this feeling of accountability is not solely an individualistic process but also a dyadic one involving interactions and responsibilities within a relationship.
We’re each individually seeking to understand God and who He’s made us and seeking to learn to live out a life that’s pleasing to Him. And that we bring that into the marriage so that the marriage is strengthened … we’re seeking to walk a life that’s pleasing to God: individually and together.
Asalah, a Muslim wife, stated, “Since we are accountable to him, we try our best to do things the way He has instructed us to do. And marriage is no different from anything else, [in] that we are required to follow Him.”
Descriptions of God as a resource were given by several couples. Susan, a Methodist wife, explained, “It’s this recognition that my source of strength is not myself, but it’s my, it’s God.” Lanee, a Baptist wife, expressed a common theme shared by many couples: “It is only through God that [we] have been able to overcome the trials and difficulties of life together.” Other participants not only talked about perceiving God as a resource but also spoke of actively using God as a resource in their lives. For these husbands and wives, God seemed to go from a God of being to a God of doing. Namely, “divine involvement by God’s doing included (a) answering prayers, (b) intervention through the Holy Spirit, and (c) providing divine grace.”
Prayer was a fundamental aspect of the lives and marriages of many of the highly religious couples, representing one of the most prevalent and tangible ways in which they integrated God into their daily experiences. While prayer was a recurring topic among the couples, only a portion of them discussed seeking specific assistance from God or experiencing direct answers to their prayers. For example, when confronted with the significant decision of relocating their family across the country, Heidi and Jason, both members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, turned to prayer to seek guidance.
We both knew when we were asked to do it—to move from Utah to Massachusetts and take our family and everything. We prayed about it, and there was this two-by-four hit over the head feeling we believe was the Spirit letting us know that that was right.
Several couples recounted instances where they believed God intervened directly in their lives, attributing such interventions to the influence of the Holy Spirit. When speaking about the values that had shaped her marriage, Kari, a member of the Missionary and Alliance Church, cited “the fruits of the Spirit” as a significant influence. She was one of a few participants who credited the influence of the Holy Spirit for shaping their positive attributes and values in life.
Related to the direct influence of the Holy Spirit is the belief in God’s grace. Numerous participants shared their experiences of personal growth and problem-solving, attributing these developments to the grace or assistance they received from God. Andy, a member of the Missionary and Alliance Church, attributed a complete transformation in his life to the grace of God, which he believed made his marriage possible.
Well, I don’t think we would have had a relationship with each other if God hadn’t been influential in our lives. So basically, I would have to say that God completely changed me to be able to have this marriage. There [were] a lot of things that He worked on in my life to straighten me out.
Attributed Outcomes of Perceived Divine Intervention
All of the highly religious couples interviewed expressed the belief that their religious faith and divine intervention had positively impacted themselves and their marriages. These beneficial outcomes can be categorized into three main areas: (a) stability and unity (achieved through assistance in overcoming challenges and conflicts), (b) growth and motivation, and (c) happiness and peace. The most mentioned outcome of perceived divine intervention was stability and unity.
This support in overcoming challenges appeared to foster a sense of unity among many couples. Yuusif, a Muslim husband, explained that his faith in Allah motivates him to treat his wife fairly and forgive each other during disagreements, strengthening their bond. Ezra, a Jewish husband, highlighted how faith in God’s purpose and plan brings hope and unity, even in the face of problems: “Knowing that even though there may be some problems occurring, there’s a purpose for everything, and it will work out.”
The concept of growth and motivation was spoken of by participants as both a result and a process. Susan, a Methodist wife, discussed her ability and willingness to remain in her relationship and navigate challenges successfully. She shared, “I think that [the] realization that it’s not me who’s making myself able to do it, it’s God. And God has given me the ability to do this.”
Tim, a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, summarized the idea of growth and motivation. He said, “You go at it because you know what you want the outcome to be … I think Tina and I know what we want the outcome to be, so you’ve got a goal to try to accomplish when there’s a resolution of the conflict.” This motivation and growth were perceived as direct results of incorporating God into their relationship.
Many couples responded to inquiries about how their faith in God influenced their marriage by expressing that their personal and relational well-being was improved as a result. The authors explain that participants “used various words to describe this wellbeing: blessedness, comfort, inner-strength, protection, gratitude, happiness and peace.” Frequently, this was a broad sentiment, not necessarily linked to a particular facet of their relationship with God. Kurt, a Catholic husband, commented: “I think a lot of times we’ll talk and say, ‘You know, we really are lucky.’ Which is just another way of saying blessed.”
The sense of feeling blessed was frequently linked to a deep sense of gratitude. Erin, an Episcopalian wife, explained, “I think we both feel extremely lucky and blessed … I always feel like I have things I don’t deserve because I know there are other people who are just as deserving, or I don’t deserve it more than anybody else.” None of the couples suggested that their lives were without challenges. In fact, most of them openly discussed the various difficulties they had faced and overcome. Despite the challenges they encountered, most couples expressed a sense of happiness and peace that appeared to outweigh the difficulties they experienced.
Conclusion
The quote by Helen Keller, “Faith is the strength by which a shattered world shall emerge into the light,” points out the profound connection between faith and life. This association becomes even more evident when we consider the intimate bond of marriage. For many, faith not only acts as a foundation for personal growth but also serves as a guiding force within their most cherished relationship. Nearly all the couples interviewed emphasized the significant role of God in their marriage, with many considering it the most crucial aspect of their relationship. These religious wives and husbands varied greatly in their interpretations of how God was connected to their marital relationships. However, multiple themes emerged to give insight into how faith and marriage interact in the lives of highly religious couples. From perceiving God’s purpose for marriage to experiencing divine intervention, these couples showcased a wide range of beliefs and experiences that shaped their marital journey.
The study highlighted the significant role of faith in fostering stability, unity, growth, motivation, and overall well-being within marital relationships. Despite facing challenges, the couples expressed a sense of happiness, peace, and gratitude that stemmed from their faith and strengthened their marital bonds. These findings underscore the importance of considering religious beliefs and practices in understanding and supporting couples’ relationships within religious communities.
