When Compassion Misleads: How Faith and Identity Can Coexist

New Book Group: “Exclude Not Thyself: Thriving As A Covenant-keeping, Gay Latter-day Saint”

Growing up as a gay Latter-day Saint in the early 2000s presented unique challenges—but not the ones you might expect. Unlike many stories that you might hear in the media, I did not experience religious trauma or blame God for my circumstances. Instead, I struggled with a lack of resources that could give me alternatives to misguided worldly influences and hold fast to my Savior.

As a teenager, I had almost no guidance that both acknowledged my experiences and aligned with my commitment to the restored gospel. Today, however, there are far more resources for sexual minority Latter-day Saints. While many are supportive of the challenges we face, too often, they frame the commandments as obstacles rather than the pathway to true and lasting joy.

This raises a few important questions:
• How can we empathize with the experiences of sexual minority Latter-day Saints without enabling them to drift away from the gospel?
• How can we unapologetically hold to our beliefs while respecting the agency of those who choose a different path?
• How can we tactfully and effectively challenge faith-destroying narratives?

As I learned how to navigate these questions in my own life through personal experience, I have been richly blessed. I have a strong testimony of the restored gospel, a life-giving temple marriage, and three beautiful children—one of whom tends the gardens of our heavenly mansion while we navigate mortality. Early in my marriage, I discovered a vibrant network of same-sex attracted Latter-day Saints thriving within the Church. Some are in mixed-orientation marriages like mine, while others live celibate lives.

Their examples inspired me to reflect critically on the principles and practices that have helped me cultivate a thriving life within the gospel when many in the world would say that it’s impossible to do so. I also considered the misconceptions I once held—misconceptions that many still grapple with—which make it harder to hold onto faith as a sexual minority. And like others, I’ve seen firsthand how certain beliefs and attitudes often lead individuals away from the Church.

In many ways, this book is a letter to a younger version of myself growing up in today’s politically charged climate. It is my testimony of the restored gospel of Jesus Christ and the power it has to enrich our lives. It’s also a heartfelt guide for Latter-day Saints navigating the complex terrain of LGBT+ issues—helping them love and support others without enabling a crisis of faith.

This balance can be difficult to strike in our attempts to help those who identify as LGBT+. More particularly, I’ve noticed a growing trend within the Church of members warming to modern LGBT+ advocacy narratives and believing these are rooted in compassion. I often wonder what might have happened if, as a younger version of myself, I had encountered these narratives. Increasingly, even faithful members promote values like self-expression over covenant commitment. I’m ashamed to admit that I don’t know whether I would have risen above these influences to arrive where I am today if these had been the messages in my youth.

Because I have been so blessed to find and sustain a successful marriage, I feel a deep responsibility to speak out. I feel an obligation to share my experiences and challenge harmful approaches to LGBT+ issues that lead people away from the covenant path.

My goal has been to provide encouragement and support to sexual minorities who are striving to stay committed to the gospel. I also aim to steer the conversation within the Church toward a framework that respects diverse experiences while remaining firmly anchored in gospel truths.

This book is my effort to do just that.